Difficult Decisions

I want to stop writing.

I just read something, and it’s wierd because it made me think about my writing–and my age.  I’m half the age of most published writers, and, while that doesn’t discourage me, they have so many more years under their belts.  Most of the writers I know are like in love with their line of work, or flaunt it, but I don’t know any more.

I have a teacher who basically made it clear to me that writing wasn’t going to take me anywhere.  Outside of my essays, which suck because I hate the whole process of writing one, that teacher has not read anything.  I have one teacher who is my favorite, because she doesn’t treat you like some kid, and she realizes that we are going to be the ones who have to change the future.  She knows who she is because she’s the reason I am in love with blogging, and the process of meeting new people. 

So, I guess that’s my difficult decision.  I only want one book published.  It doesn’t have to be a bestseller, it doesn’t even have to sell.  I just want to see a cool cover and a synopsis on the back, with maybe two or three reviews.  I want to see my name looking up at me from the binding of a book on a shelf at Barnes and Noble.  That’s going to be pretty difficult.

Maybe my problem is the lack of a support system.  Ramxpage–it’s not that she doesn’t care, she just doesn’t read.  It took me six months to get her to read a measly 300 page book, which she ended up liking, but she won’t sit down and read my writing because she doesn’t like reading, and I’m fine with that.  She still gives her opinion when I tell her about what’s on my mind concerning my writing, and that’s good enough for me.  A lot of my friends have lots of people read their works, but I had someone steal an idea from me and she was supposedly my best friend, and I’m really wary of sharing my work now.

Plus, my issue with sharing my work is I have a fear of disappointing people, or people hating it.  I guess everyone has to deal with that, and if I want to be published, I have to throw caution to the wind and do whatever I want.

Five minutes to midnight.  That’s a boyslikegirls song, by the way but HAPPY NEW YEAR’S!

The Greatest Thing You Will Ever Learn

“The greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”

That is my quote of the day, because I just watched that movie again.  That’s why I have a Nicole Kidman avatar, becuase it’s from Moulin Rouge!  I adore that movie.  Listening to Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street soundtrack.  Still haven’t seen the movie yet, but I’m loving the soundtrack!  I am currently reading Neil Gaiman’s Stardust and I love it!

Anyway, I haven’t posted forever.  I am taking a break from writing because I have midterms and I can’t get into any of my stories, except one and I have to come to up with a decent skeleton for it, and so far all I’ve got is the ribcage, if we’re still going with the bone metaphor. 

Have I ever told you guys how much I despise young adult novels?  The supernatural ones at least?  Well, I’m going to go off on my little hate wagon and tell you guys anyway.

First of all, the heroines or heroes are usually annoying little nits that you absolutely cannot stand. I know that.  Sorry, Fluffy, but I have to rag on the Isabella Swan character.  All that chick does is cry or beg someone to bite her.  I honestly don’t see the allure of immortality.  I’ve suffered enough in the fifteen years I’ve lived.  Why would I want to live till the end of time?  Then, you have the stories that have the funky endings that are so open that you could just really shoot the book.  I hate those.  I guess I am just used to reading the adult supernatural novels where the characters are amazing.  I’m done.

I just got some young adult books and I tried to read them.  I really did…then I quit.  I still have a couple Anita Blake books left to read…and one to buy because Ramxpage’s b-day is going to be here in three days’ time!  But, we also go back to school that day.  I can’t wait to give Ramxpage her birthday card.  It’s so wrong that my mom won’t let me show my dad lest he have a heart attack.    Yeah, that’s how bad it is.

My second favorite Christmas movie was played four times a row on TBS the night before Christmas.  Christmas Vacation is the best Christmas movie aside from It’s a Wonderful Life because it is so hilarious.  I laugh every time I watch it, no matter how many times I’ve watched it that way.  Chevy Chase is just so expressive. 

The Trip to the Library

For, like, the past six months, I have had a $100 gift card to Barnes and Noble.  I recently spent the rest of it buying For a Few Demons More and I am quite happy with that, but now I am back to the library.  I was happy about that, because for the first time in the whole year of 2007, I got over two books that I was really excited about reading…okay, maybe rereading, but still I was excited.  Ramxpage is probably like, “Wow, she is such a loser…”  Maybe I am.  So sue me.  Anyway, I got the new hardback that Laurell K. Hamilton put out Burnt Offerings and I have only read that once, because the library never has it, and I just haven’t the money to buy it right now.  (I am contemplating whether or not to apply for a job at the movie theater.  A job is a big responsibility, and I have enough.  Like this blog.  JK!) 

Anyway, I found the copy of The Princess Bride that jsut came out, abridged by William Goldman, who is absolutely hilarious by the way.  I also got the new series Yasmine Galenorn is writing about the three sisters, in which one is a vamp, one is a witch, and one a shapeshifter, and they all have these funny quirks.  I got The Killing Dance, The Harlequin, and Burnt Offerings by Laurell, and then I got Sherrilyn Kenyon’s new one, which I have been waiting for for like ever.

So, I am content.  And I watched Moulin Rouge last night.  (Thank you Rampage).  It kind of depressed me, but at the same time I was like, I LOVE THIS MOVIE!!!!!!  Best movie of all time.  So I’m posting lyrics before I head to the last first period I will have in two weeks!  Woot baby!

(This is the song they sing when you first meet Christian and then after the tragedy!  Enjoy!)

There was a boy
A very strange enchanted boy
They say he wandered very far, very far
Over land and sea
A little shy and sad of eye
But very wise was he

And then one day
A magic day he passed my way
And while we spoke of many things
Fools and kings
This he said to me
“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn
Is just to love and be loved in return”

The Glorious Life of a Grounded Writer

I definitely don’t think that Laurell K. Hamilton ever got grounded from  her computer.  I am now grounded from my computer, and I can’t use it, so I’m working on the computers at school, and it is really ticking me off.  My parents don’t ground my brother from his instrument.  That’s his art choice.  So, why did I get grounded from my art choice?  Because my dad’s mean.  It makes me mad, because I am using pen and paper a lot more than I usually do, killing helpless trees….

Okay, so maybe I really don’t care, but at the same time, wouldn’t you be irritated?  I haven’t talked to Myles in over a month, which is absolutely depressing.   Anyway.  Since, I have the attention span of a teaspoon, I am trying short stories, peeps.  So, the first short story (besides Inner Demons, which wasn’t really a short story) will be up here in a couple of days…Make that weeks, because Christmas break is definitely one day away.  Tomorrow is my last day of using the school computers to do things I can’t at home because my dad is being gay.  I said something to my mom, but she hasn’t responded.

However, this grounded girl has definitely talked her mother into going to Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.  Should I post the vid again?  Nah.  I definitely got Moulin Rouge from Ramxpage for Christmas.  How exciting!  I haven’t watched it yet because I spent my night last night babysitting so my parents could go to a Christmas party.  I did watch the new Harry Potter for the third time though–I saw it twice in theaters!

I am trying to find the vid from Moulin Rouge that I want, but I don’t know if you get youtube here, anyway.  Well, I should definitely get something done…oh, wait!  I am completely a week ahead of schedule in yearbook and I am really excited. 

My hunt for a boyfriend is over.  I don’t have one, but someone I really liked turned out to be someone I didn’t know he was, and I don’t like that person, so I am moving on, and setting my sights on someone in the near future, if my life allows for it.  You don’t have to rush into love.

Well, Merry Christmas, Hannukah, Kwaanza!  I would combine them, but my fingers are nearly frozen and I need to leave!

love

kaelie curbxstomp

Disabling the Internet Did Not Turn Out To Be One Of My Better Ideas…

Talk about the last time I will ever listen to Ramxpage about doing something.  We were trying to hook up her computer to our wireless network so we could play World of Warcraft, but it wasn’t working because she wasn’t getting a very good signal, and we were getting frustrated.  So, we went to my computer, and we were trying to use it as a model to hook up hers.  She told me to try disabling it to see if we could hook up hers.

Disabled it.  And then couldn’t re-enable it.  We were screwed.  I knew the whole process that would lead to the discovery and here it would go: My mother would get up early in the morning to get on the internet to check her usual sites.  She would discover that it wasn’t working, and she would call my dad, and he would get all red in the face and then come to see me, ask me what happened, ask me if I was sure.  I would say I didn’t do anything and then we would go for a while and he would come back, ask me again, and I would still lie.

That is exactly how it happened.  And I got grounded for a month, but the computer’s internet works, and I can’t get on the computer at home, so I am doing all my blogging at school.  Myles, I won’t be able to talk to you for a month, except on our blogs when I am at school.  Sorry!

Anyway, Ramxpage was over at my house this weekend, as you now know, and we had a lot of fun.  We watched Moulin Rouge twice, because it is the most amazing movie ever.  We had marshmallows, and Dum-Dums, and we drank a  twelve pack of Mountain Dew, just because we’re American like that. 

I finished reading For A Few Demons More, cried when I finished that, and then began reading Divine Secrets of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood which made me cry some more, because I was like, wow, me and my mom don’t have the exact same relationship, but it is very similar.  There are some parts where I am just like, wow, that is really close to what happened to me.  Must get someone to read that book so they can talk to me about it.  But, yesterday, I think something was wrong with my horomones because I just kept randomly bursting into tears and the littlest things.  Uncle T.O.M has come to town.

So I can’t use the computer for a month, I cannot have anyone over, I cannot go anywhere, blah, blah, blah.  Which, the computer thing sucks, because I can’t work on my book to make ramxpage the Queen of England.  (She said that the day I finished a novel was the day she became the Queen of England.  She is going to be the Queen of England some time very soon.)  I got a new story line, but I am thinking about conforming my original story line to the new one, because it will be very, very interesting.  For me, at least. 

Anyway, I am still on the hunt for love.  I am not discouraged, but watching Moulin Rouge put my life into a new kind of light.  So, cheers to the rest of you!  Mazel tov!

The Emotional Pillow…That Lives In Indiana…

Here’s Myles!  He’s a long distance friend of mine and he’s really cool!  Y’all should check out his blog….Cute picture, huh?

curbxstomp

Dizzy

I feel like life is just flying before my eyes, making me feel like I’m spinning in a circle, and by the time I get to the end of the day, I’m dizzy. 

It’s awful.  Why is time going so fast?  My life is slipping from between my fingers and nothing feels like it matters or is worth it anymore.  It’s like I’m wasting my time when I’m not interacting with people.  My writing has suffered because I fear being alone, and not spending time with my family.

I was in fourth period today and Daniel wanted me to sit with him, and I was like, “We have thirty seconds left.”  He said, “That’s thirty more seconds we get to spend together.”  It made me smile, and I think that, when you are in high school, the thirty seconds you spend with your friends in the hallways on your way to class really make the difference in your life.  I know that seeing Ramxpage for a collecive 3.5 seconds on my way to third period is what I look forward to every day, even though I know I will see her later. 

I was listening to Rachel ramxpage sing along to Moulin Rouge on the phone the other day, and the movie’s about love right?  It made me really sad, because I can’t decide whether or not falling in love is really worth it.  Especially marriage…how scary is that?  I’m terrified of commitment, I think.  Last time I committed I got, I got hurt, and I didn’t like it very much.

Myles is happy, though, and I feel like crap, because he just became happy, and I am…I’m not depressed.  But, I have been told that I am very cynical.  I agree with that.  I don’t view the world through a haze of pink happiness.  It’s more of a violet shade of doubt and aloofness.  I don’t know if it bothers Daniel, because he counters everything I say with…happiness?  No, more of an optimistic view of a world that doesn’t really exist.

I don’t know whether or not I should go for the gold.  I hate it when I get these hints, and I misinterpret them, and I look stupid.  I hate looking dumb.  I went for math tutoring this morning, because I don’t understand corresponding angles crap, and I felt dumb because these two other girls came in and were answering the questions for me.  It ticked me off, because it was my tutoring session and they were intruding.

Sometimes I feel like people are holding me back.  I make decisions based on what my friends are going to say to and about me, and I don’t know if that is going to cut it.  I can’t be afraid of people hating me based on one decision right?  It’s family that counts in this world, I don’t care how distant.  Lindsay is my support system that is 800 miles away.  She’s 8 years older than I am, and it helps, because while I’ve seen things that she hasn’t, it’s vice versa.  She can tell me things based on her experience, and that makes it easier.  There are things that you just can’t tell your parents.  There are things that you can’t tell anyone, and you have to keep them to yourself, and that’s the hardest thing to do in the world.

People say change and death are the hardest.  You are contending with loss, and destruction, which is a part of life.  Death balances life, just like white balances black.  It is inevitable.  But I think that carrying a burden by yourself is difficult, extremely so.  It can damage you, and it can help you, but more often than not, it makes you bitter.  Those secrets that everyone has reside just on the surface, but no one can see them, and that makes it all the worse, because you are nearly screaming for someone to call out your problem so you don’t seem like an attention seeker.

People have friends that they unload on.  I do, you probably do, Myles does, Lindsay, Fluffy, Hamz, everyone, but sometimes I fear my friends.  They wield a power over you that can hurt you when they decide they don’t want to harbor your secrets anymore.  That is one of my biggest fears, and I don’t know if any of my friends now would ever do that.   I pray that they don’t, but I’ve had it happen before, and that is the worst betrayal there is.