The One That Saves Me

I am listening to the song “Wonderwall” by Oasis and it’s summing up my mood right now.  If you can even call it a mood.  I just feel…blah.  Like nothing important or urgent is going on right now in the world.

I should be writing right now, working on the final draft of my novel, but I don’t feel like it.  I just want to leave my made up world alone because everything’s consuming me.  It’s overwhelming me, almost.  All I’ve listened to for the past day or so is yelling and crying and I am so fucking tired of it that I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.  Stress is curled up in my bones, eating away at me until I just sit and cry for what seems like hours but only turns out to be maybe five minutes.  What is up with that?

My perception of emotions, time, and direction have always sucked, but this week, it’s like it has gotten worse.  I have begun to look at a lot of my opinions and question them.  Like the marriage and children one.  Ugh.  I don’t want to think about that.  I don’t want to think about my future.  It all looks so dim.  Graduate high school, go to college, get a job, find an apartment, find someone to live with for the rest of my life or die alone  live alone.  Everyone dies alone, I think.  Not to sound skeptic or morbid, but isn’t true?  Death is a solitary path that no one can help you along spiritually.

Neil Gaiman portrays Death as Sleep’s older sister in The Sandman and she is gorgeous.  It’s kind of like a subliminal messaging.  Maybe death isn’t really as scary as some people think it is.  Death doesn’t scare me.  Growing old does.

 

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I’m sure you’ve heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don’t believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don’t know how

Because maybe
You’re gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You’re my wonderwall

-Oasis “Wonderwall”