Life at the Moment

4 10 2007

I am currently listening to “Black Cat” by Mayday Parade.  Look up the lyrics on the Lyrics page if you haven’t already, because I love that song.  Well, life at the moment…It’s okay.  I had my mental breakdown today, just like Rampage has hers.  It takes a little more for me to have a mental breakdown.  I am just so overwhelmed by school right now.  I just wish I didn’t go to school.  I know that people say it’s an opportunity that a lot of kids don’t even have, but they really aren’t missing much.  If I could go to a library and check out books on what I wanted to learn about, then, maybe I wouldn’t be so overwhelmed.  At the moment, the only two classes that I can even close to stand are film criticism and yearbook. Yearbook can be unbelievably stressful, but it all gets better.  I am actually pretty good at what we do in film criticism.  I study my notes and I apply that knowledge to the movies that I watch.  I also really like the teacher because she isnt’….I don’t really have a word for it, but she isn’t like my other teachers.  Maybe it’s because she is around my parents’ age and she kind of has their mentality about things.  I don’t know.  But I absolutely hate all of my other classes.  Even French is overwhelming sometimes and usually, I’m pretty good, since I’ve been taking French since the first grade.  (Since we were so close to Canada where we lived in Michigan, the elementary and middle schools taught French).  I just wanted to cry I had so much work to do when I got home.  I rarely have time to spend with my family, because I come home, do homework, eat, finish my homework and then go to bed.  And my mom recently got a job on the weekends, so she isn’t home until later in the day and my whole family isn’t in the house and that really bothers me.  It’s just all too overwhelming. I am the stupidest person for thinking I could handle an AP class.  I feel that I am intelligent, but when you are taking six other classes that are just as demanding, AP really isn’t a good idea.  We got a whole speech from the teacher about how we couldn’t just “skate by” because “this is a college course, and you need to take it seriously”.  I don’t care about passing the AP exam anymore.  I don’t even friggin’ care about the college credit hours.  People can preach at me about how it will count.  Right now, all I want to do is pass the freakin’ class without getting sent off to a mental institution.  That’d be great.  My neices and nephews asking, “What happened to Aunt Dragonfly?” “Oh, sweetie, high school completely broke her mind and now she sits in a white room in a straight jacket so she doesn’t try to jump out the window…” And you think I’m kidding.

I think that this society puts a lot of stock on whether or not you can get into a good college.  Yeah, that will probably make your life easier and drown you in student loans and your parents in mortgages, but hey, just as long as the best teach you right?  There are plenty of people who don’t even use their degrees and that’s a bummer because they probably put a lot of work into college…and a whole butt load of money.  What I want to do, I really don’t need a college degree, but in order for my writing to work, I need to kick my butt into gear, because I want to have at least one novel out in the publishing system at some phase (I don’t even care if I just submit it) so I have something to hope for.  The only problem with that?  I don’t have time.

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