Dead Center

7 11 2007

I’m just in one of those moods…I don’t know.  It borders on content and upset, and it is really irritating.  You have a part of you that is really happy because of the events of the day, and then you have another part of you that’s just really disappointed with where you are at in life.  Someone said the other day that you have to live your life to the fullest because you only have one, and I was just like, hm.  Okay, you go with that.

I really have nothing to say to that considering that I am so confused right now it isn’t even slightly funny.  People usually laugh when I am confused, but right now, it is the dark kind of confused, the confused that most people try not to be because they don’t want to think about their life.  Because if they think about what they have or what they don’t then it kind of kills a part of you, because you have no idea what to do with it.  You’ve had that certain thing or you haven’t so, what do you do when you lose or gain something?

I am really trying to let an old life go.  I am really striving.  I am cutting off friends that I once held dear, and I’m forging new friends who actually have a purpose in life, who are intelligent enough to know that somethings aren’t funny, that morals really are a good thing to have, because in my past life, all of those thoughts of morals and decency died and I am getting them back, slowly but surely.

My dad still wants me to pursue my dream at the governor’s school, and I can’t tell him now, because I hate disappointing people because it really hurts me to see that hurt look on their face when I do something that they didn’t want me to do, or they see me do it and I didn’t do it correctly.  Maybe that’s my problem, trying to do everything so no one gets hurt.  Maybe I’m going to have to hurt people.

That is not a comforting thought.




2 responses

7 11 2007

Curbxstomp you’re so insightful. I know exactly what you mean by the disappointment thing. It really does hurt you as much as it hurts them, maybe more. It’s such a lose lose situation that we try to avoid even when the only way to move on is to go through it.

9 11 2007

Yeah, I agree with hamms. Trying not to hurt people will slowly destroy you. I have been trying not to do things that make me spread myself so thin just to help other people lately. People need to learn to get along on their own, to a certain extent. I know I sound harsh, but I’m just like my mom, and I try to make sure what I do doesn’t burden anyone, or make anybody sad/uncomfortable.Anyway, I just know how you feel about disappointing people. Hope your confusion goes away soon. 🙂

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