I feel like life is just flying before my eyes, making me feel like I’m spinning in a circle, and by the time I get to the end of the day, I’m dizzy.
It’s awful. Why is time going so fast? My life is slipping from between my fingers and nothing feels like it matters or is worth it anymore. It’s like I’m wasting my time when I’m not interacting with people. My writing has suffered because I fear being alone, and not spending time with my family.
I was in fourth period today and Daniel wanted me to sit with him, and I was like, “We have thirty seconds left.” He said, “That’s thirty more seconds we get to spend together.” It made me smile, and I think that, when you are in high school, the thirty seconds you spend with your friends in the hallways on your way to class really make the difference in your life. I know that seeing Ramxpage for a collecive 3.5 seconds on my way to third period is what I look forward to every day, even though I know I will see her later.
I was listening to Rachel ramxpage sing along to Moulin Rouge on the phone the other day, and the movie’s about love right? It made me really sad, because I can’t decide whether or not falling in love is really worth it. Especially marriage…how scary is that? I’m terrified of commitment, I think. Last time I committed I got, I got hurt, and I didn’t like it very much.
Myles is happy, though, and I feel like crap, because he just became happy, and I am…I’m not depressed. But, I have been told that I am very cynical. I agree with that. I don’t view the world through a haze of pink happiness. It’s more of a violet shade of doubt and aloofness. I don’t know if it bothers Daniel, because he counters everything I say with…happiness? No, more of an optimistic view of a world that doesn’t really exist.
I don’t know whether or not I should go for the gold. I hate it when I get these hints, and I misinterpret them, and I look stupid. I hate looking dumb. I went for math tutoring this morning, because I don’t understand corresponding angles crap, and I felt dumb because these two other girls came in and were answering the questions for me. It ticked me off, because it was my tutoring session and they were intruding.
Sometimes I feel like people are holding me back. I make decisions based on what my friends are going to say to and about me, and I don’t know if that is going to cut it. I can’t be afraid of people hating me based on one decision right? It’s family that counts in this world, I don’t care how distant. Lindsay is my support system that is 800 miles away. She’s 8 years older than I am, and it helps, because while I’ve seen things that she hasn’t, it’s vice versa. She can tell me things based on her experience, and that makes it easier. There are things that you just can’t tell your parents. There are things that you can’t tell anyone, and you have to keep them to yourself, and that’s the hardest thing to do in the world.
People say change and death are the hardest. You are contending with loss, and destruction, which is a part of life. Death balances life, just like white balances black. It is inevitable. But I think that carrying a burden by yourself is difficult, extremely so. It can damage you, and it can help you, but more often than not, it makes you bitter. Those secrets that everyone has reside just on the surface, but no one can see them, and that makes it all the worse, because you are nearly screaming for someone to call out your problem so you don’t seem like an attention seeker.
People have friends that they unload on. I do, you probably do, Myles does, Lindsay, Fluffy, Hamz, everyone, but sometimes I fear my friends. They wield a power over you that can hurt you when they decide they don’t want to harbor your secrets anymore. That is one of my biggest fears, and I don’t know if any of my friends now would ever do that. I pray that they don’t, but I’ve had it happen before, and that is the worst betrayal there is.