Dizzy

3 12 2007

I feel like life is just flying before my eyes, making me feel like I’m spinning in a circle, and by the time I get to the end of the day, I’m dizzy. 

It’s awful.  Why is time going so fast?  My life is slipping from between my fingers and nothing feels like it matters or is worth it anymore.  It’s like I’m wasting my time when I’m not interacting with people.  My writing has suffered because I fear being alone, and not spending time with my family.

I was in fourth period today and Daniel wanted me to sit with him, and I was like, “We have thirty seconds left.”  He said, “That’s thirty more seconds we get to spend together.”  It made me smile, and I think that, when you are in high school, the thirty seconds you spend with your friends in the hallways on your way to class really make the difference in your life.  I know that seeing Ramxpage for a collecive 3.5 seconds on my way to third period is what I look forward to every day, even though I know I will see her later. 

I was listening to Rachel ramxpage sing along to Moulin Rouge on the phone the other day, and the movie’s about love right?  It made me really sad, because I can’t decide whether or not falling in love is really worth it.  Especially marriage…how scary is that?  I’m terrified of commitment, I think.  Last time I committed I got, I got hurt, and I didn’t like it very much.

Myles is happy, though, and I feel like crap, because he just became happy, and I am…I’m not depressed.  But, I have been told that I am very cynical.  I agree with that.  I don’t view the world through a haze of pink happiness.  It’s more of a violet shade of doubt and aloofness.  I don’t know if it bothers Daniel, because he counters everything I say with…happiness?  No, more of an optimistic view of a world that doesn’t really exist.

I don’t know whether or not I should go for the gold.  I hate it when I get these hints, and I misinterpret them, and I look stupid.  I hate looking dumb.  I went for math tutoring this morning, because I don’t understand corresponding angles crap, and I felt dumb because these two other girls came in and were answering the questions for me.  It ticked me off, because it was my tutoring session and they were intruding.

Sometimes I feel like people are holding me back.  I make decisions based on what my friends are going to say to and about me, and I don’t know if that is going to cut it.  I can’t be afraid of people hating me based on one decision right?  It’s family that counts in this world, I don’t care how distant.  Lindsay is my support system that is 800 miles away.  She’s 8 years older than I am, and it helps, because while I’ve seen things that she hasn’t, it’s vice versa.  She can tell me things based on her experience, and that makes it easier.  There are things that you just can’t tell your parents.  There are things that you can’t tell anyone, and you have to keep them to yourself, and that’s the hardest thing to do in the world.

People say change and death are the hardest.  You are contending with loss, and destruction, which is a part of life.  Death balances life, just like white balances black.  It is inevitable.  But I think that carrying a burden by yourself is difficult, extremely so.  It can damage you, and it can help you, but more often than not, it makes you bitter.  Those secrets that everyone has reside just on the surface, but no one can see them, and that makes it all the worse, because you are nearly screaming for someone to call out your problem so you don’t seem like an attention seeker.

People have friends that they unload on.  I do, you probably do, Myles does, Lindsay, Fluffy, Hamz, everyone, but sometimes I fear my friends.  They wield a power over you that can hurt you when they decide they don’t want to harbor your secrets anymore.  That is one of my biggest fears, and I don’t know if any of my friends now would ever do that.   I pray that they don’t, but I’ve had it happen before, and that is the worst betrayal there is.

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13 responses

3 12 2007
nikki

kaelie, you are goin crazy..arent you?? lol. you need to call me sometime. i was in town all this past week and we could of prolly hung out. so, call me. ight. i love you, buddy.

4 12 2007
Fluffyfan15

To right you know, that is the worst kind of betrayal, and the people who betray that trust shouldn’t be able to call themselves friends. I know exactly what you mean about wanting people to call out your problems, so you don’t seem like an attention seeker! I feel like that sooooo often, like I hate even thinking that I want people to see there is something wrong with me b/c I’m putting my burdens off on someone else. I always doubt that people will listen or not think I’m just a cry baby. That is something very hard to do, keep up with ur burdens by urself. I should know, me being the type of person who never hardly ever asks for help with anything of importance. I don’t like burdening anyone else more than they already are. Yet I always help everyone as much as I physically can. Wow, hypocritical, aren’t I? Lol! I have frequently witnessed the DIZZY feeling myself. Like all you do is your daily routine, “school, homework, dinner, more homework, bed, get up, breakfast, school again.” And it takes away time from anything else meaningful you want to do. So then I get hysterical and cry about not being able to do anything other than work and school. Never fear, though, my dear, b/c Christmas Break is coming. I think about that when the going gets dizzy! 🙂

4 12 2007
Myles Chandler

Is there anything i can do to help you? Come to Indiana and we can
p-a-r-t-y

4 12 2007
curbxstomp

I would love to come party with you. Um, yeah, will you be on aim at all the rest of this week? I need someone to talk to that doesn’t have a biased opinion.
curbxstomp

4 12 2007
Myles Chandler

i will be on until 10 tonight

5 12 2007
Myles Chandler

Hey, you did not have to delete the post lol. But thank you anyways. I will be on tonight after 5:40 untill 10 just for you if you still want to talk.

Maybe you should try nto to write at all for a whole week. YOu can try not thinking about it at all or thinking about it allot, jsut not writting. You probably are all written out and need to exiperance things to prompt ideas for you charecters.

I can relate to your comitment problem. Right now, i am not even at the stage and have not been there with a gf in awhile. Right now, i want to have fun and be in a relationship at the same time. I dont mean like see other people but have fun with my girlfriend. Idk, weird thought i guess. I want exitement is all i am saying i suppose.

And i view the world through a dark shade of doubtfulness becasue i am an athiest. I use to be afraid about there was not someone in control except for me.

What you wrote about balancing out good and bad is true. I just exploded and fell in love with my blog.

And you dont unload on me, we both exgage in delicate conversations with the upmost importance and trust.

5 12 2007
curbxstomp

You just about made me cry. I am on the verge of tears right now because my ex boyfriend is an asshole and I’m ready to just break down, but I can’t do that, because I don’t want to be known as the girl who started crying in the middle of class for no apparent reason. I will try to get on tonight. Maybe I should take abreak. Maybe it’s just I feel pressured, so I don’t know what to do. Athiest? You’re not the first one I know who is an athiest. But, it is pretty common with our generation, isn’t it?
Thank you for actually taking time out of your day for someone who lives 800 miles away…
Hey, that rhymed.
love
curbxstomp

5 12 2007
curbxstomp

BTW, I put that post with our some 17 comments on private, because I didn’t want to lose the badge or our comments. I’m just wierd like that.
curbxstomp

6 12 2007
werewolf grl

I now how it feels to be betrayed by a friend. It hurts. I talk to them now, but I can’t trust them with any personal secrets now. Sometimes I do things that really piss my friend off, but I tell them to piss off because it’s my life not theirs.

8 12 2007
Wingedhamham

Hey. Man it’s tough keeping up with your posts since you left blogger. I always feel that life is going too fast. Everyday is the same thing, and when something new happens, you enjoy it, but as we all know, time flies when you’re having fun. But maybe it’s those few sparks of joy that keep us going. It may not slow down time…but…we can always think back to that, and remind ourselves that we’re still living for a reason. I also know what it’s like to be betrayed by a friend…really badly. It was the most hurtful pain I had ever felt in my life. I cried more tears then than anything else. It was worst than crying over death, because this was a death within myself. And to Fluffs and Curb: Yeah, I know about the bottling emotions and hoping someone will point out your problems. The only thing is, I don’t want them to point it out because then you have to lie to them and hold the urge to tell all. Why is life so hard, even to the ones you trust? Should it be this hard if you trust them…or do you really trust them at all? Hell, what is trust if you can depend on someone, tell them your secrets, yet can’t tell them why you feel so sad?
I donno if I’m making sense at all. I’m never good at explaining stuff…

~Wingedhamham~

8 12 2007
curbxstomp

Are you referring to me not talking about why I was so pissed off last week? I didn’t want to talk about it until I understood it. I’m sorry.
curbxstomp

10 12 2007
Wingedhamham

WHAT!? No offense and all, but that has been forgiven and forgotten. I wasn’t upset you didn’t say anything, I was more worried. Everyone thinks I’m mad all the time for some reason. Like today, one of my friends was freaking out, thinking I was upset with her, but I was in a great mood today. Hmm…I need to work on my facial expressions I guess. Hehehe. But really curb, that stuff was the past. Where did you dig that up from? I was talking about stuff in general about myself in that comment. 😛

~Wingedhamham~

11 12 2007
curbxstomp

Oh, okay, I get it now. Do you really forgive me? Wow, I really appreciate that. I really don’t appreciate my friends enough. Love you!
love
curbxstomp

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