The Rest Of Your Life

3 01 2008

Have you ever stopped to think about the rest of your life?  I rarely do because I am usually really withdrawn  when I do.  I mean, what do people see, it’s like I can’t even see my future.

People have said that it isn’t up to us to see our futures.  That usually comes from the religious sect of our world.  Others think that only we can affect our futures.  The one thing that bothers me about the future is the posibility of predestination.  It bothers me that I may be helpless that all of my choices have been made by Someone Else and I have yet to make them.  So, did that Someone Else know that my best friend would overdose on drugs and leave me alone my freshman year?

That is really frustrating to think about it like that.  Someone knew, but you didn’t.  It irks me.  Right now looking at the rest of my life, I only see shadows and a few things that are for certain:  more school, and more running the hamster wheel.  I want to break from the system, because I hate it.  I despise what they have caused.  Like, I adore learning.  I do it whenever possible.  If a non fiction book catches my eye, I pick it up and then I’ve learned something new by the time I do.  I hate sitting at school listening to teachers who are teaching kids who honestly could careless.

You should hear some of the conversations that are carried on during my classes.  Drugs are the norm, and while I act like it doesn’t bother me, it does.  I hate it.  I hate the fact that people I know are killing themselves for the stupidest reason.  I don’t see the allure of doing drugs, and I am hoping that I am no tthe only one who is bothered.

I wish I could see my life folding out in front of me, but that just isn’t going to happen.  It’s like trying to open a box that’s taped, glued, and welded shut.  By the time you get it open, you’re at the end of your rope and then getting that box open doesn’t mean anything.  Will I get married?  Will I have kids?  Will I finish the book?  Will I go to college? 

Thinking about the rest of your life isn’t very much fun.

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3 responses

4 01 2008
lindsea

A couple months ago, I would have completely agreed with you about the future being mysterious, and how much that sucks. At my school, it seems like everyone around me has already decided what they’re going to be (doctor, writer, scientist, artist, journalist…), and what college they’re going to go to. I used to know. I used to have everything planned out the way I thought it “was supposed to go”. But I realized that if I pry too hard into the “box” that is the future, it will trap me and not let me go. That’s what happened. I felt trapped.

Since then, I’ve thrown my future into the wind. I’ve given up control of what I think “needs” to happen. I’ve decided to let my mind free, and learn whatever interests me at the moment. Like you said, I can just pick up a non-fiction book and read. Or go on wikipedia. Or read someone else’s blog. It all expands the mind and we can all become learners at any time (whether in school or not).

I used to get really frustrated at myself about the idea of successs. In a way I still do. For some reason, I can see everyone else’s talents but my own, assuming I actually have some. It sometimes feels like everyone is on track except for me. Reading your blog just now, though, I realized that we are all on different journeys, and as long as we are unique and original, greatness will come. We can do anything we want.

I have a feeling you will know the right path to go on, and that the future will fold itself out in front of you.

P.S. I had a friend who overdosed last year, and it was really hard to come to grips with that. He was 21 and left a child and girlfriend behind.

4 01 2008
lindsea

By the way, I ignore the blog that it links to. I’m Lindsea, my blog is lindseak.blogspot.com, and I write for Students 2.0.

Sorry for the confusion.

6 01 2008
curbxstomp

We really can do anything we want. It’s more a matter of are we brave enough to do it. It took me a couple months to adjust to the feeling of my friend being gone. I think it hurt because at the time I thought it was my fault, but I realize that it wasn’t, and I moved on. It still hurts, but it’s faded. I look forward to talking to you again.
curbxstomp

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