Beautiful Darkness

11 02 2008

Illness is making me want to hurt someone.  I am so tired of being sick!  I really have done nothing in the past three days, missed school on Friday–all I did was sit around and watch Doctor Who, and now I’m back at school, trying to keep my lids from slamming shut on my eyes. 

I was reading a Neil Gaiman comic book called Death: The Time of Your Life.  Death is this gorgeous woman, with this ankh, and she has this curly tattoo under her eye.  Reading those comic books–any of his–is an experience.  He makes everything normally feared and rejected into something beautifully dark.  I love his style, and its pretty much going along with how I feel these days.

My life seems a little darker than normal.  It’s all a haze, and I can barely tell what’s going on.  I have to pay attention to everything, and I don’t have time; I barely have time to do a lot of the things that I want to do.  Reading has become a chore.  I’m tired of reading.  I don’t want to read anymore.  I just want to stop reading because I have no time, even though most days I make time by putting something off.  It’s difficult.

I hate high school.  I hate getting up early, I hate the fact that one sick day puts you back forever.  I hate the people that get on your nerves. 

Hate is a strong word, my yearbook advisor says.  Maybe I should say dislike.  But I have freedom of speech, so that’s great.  Me saying I hate all of this reminds me of something that Yoda said:

“Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering, suffering leads to the dark side.”

Good quote.  Makes sense.  Anger has become common in my mindset, but it has disappeared from my writing.  My characters–all of them–are going through “soul-searching” which I am in serious need of. Because getting myself into relationships that are unhealthy seems to be my particular specialty.  And it sucks, because it involves a lot of pain, crying, and ice cream eaten at Rachel’s house while watching a gory movie with a sucky ending. 

My characters in specific, though, are in a weird mood.  They are having a lot of those moments that make you go, “Aw,” and I hate those moments because while I’m writing them, it’s really uncomfortable when other people read them.  It’s annoying.  I have issues with that.  I’m not a romantic person I guess, but my characters usually are.  Relationships usually add a lot of what I call fluff to the plot, so my relationships are quite abundant.  Whether is be friends or what.  People are like, “well, aren’t there always relationships?”  Some books I read, you follow one person through the entire thing and at the end they mention a relative or something and I don’t like that.  You’re writing about a person. You have to have some sort of relationship.

That has to be one of my more disorganized posts, but I’m so sick I just want to post and go to bed, but unfortunately, I have to go through the rest of the school day.  Happy Monday.   

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