Fix You

15 04 2008

So my personal posts have been on the minimum lately, because…well, because there’s really been so much bothering me that to post about all of it would take years–and it’s only happened in a matter of days.  Time feels as if it is passing by sluggishly–like Father Time decided to take a couple Loritabs like the rest of American society to dull the pain of a dull life.  It’s so tiring that when I get home, I just lay down and close my eyes and hope everything goes away.  I thought I would be happier now that I’m working on a relationship.  Now, I think the relationship is making me more miserable.

There is this one guy.  I’m not dating him, I don’t even know if he calls me his friend, but he is utterfly amazing.  He is the opposite of everything I have ever been drawn to in my whole life.  I am usually drawn to the bad boys, and while he has a certain air of “bad boy” he’s not a druggie, nor does he feel the need to break the law.  He’s actually an athlete, a swimmer to be precise and he is…He’s really nice to me, he talks to me, and sometimes he’ll call me out when I say something that makes me seem blond, but he never, ever makes me feel stupid, which is something even my best friends make me feel.  I think he is perfect.  I think that, if we dated, I would be happier than I ever was.  He’s sort of blond…I don’t think he can technically be called blond–it’s more of a honey brown.  He listens to a lot of the same music, which starts a lot of conversations.  He also reads!  Yeah!  I know!  Me, like someone who’s actually literate?  Amazing.  He’s read The Stand of all things, which even I can’t get through.

He sits in front of me in my English class, and when I talk to him, I think time should just stop for us.  He probably doesn’t even think of me in passing during the day, but, you know what, I’m okay with that.  He’s just so…ah!  I can’t even describe it.  It’s one of those you-have-no-words-for-it-it’s-so-amazing.  It’s unspeakable.  It’s like someone lit a fire in my stomach and poured gasoline on it.  I don’t hate him, like I hate most the people I’m attracted.  I just think it’s a safe admiration from a safe distance…although, it’s like less than two feet away.  Who knows if he does maybe care just a tiny bit?  I dated his friend for a few months, so he’s known about me for a really, really long time.

He just seems like the one who might be able to fix me, put me back together.  My friend told me he was horrible in relationships, but that doesn’t matter.  My friend isn’t trying to put himself back together.

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

~ Coldplay “Fix You”

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An Unexcused Absence

17 03 2008

I’ve been gone awhile.  On account of having a pretty sucky one half of the month.  I’ve been so miserable that I just don’t get on to blog because I thought I might kill the computer.  Right now, I’m trying to keep myself calm so I don’t start crying.

I have had a pretty hard time.  All that goes on in my house nowadays is yelling, screaming, or crying.  All that goes on at school is uncomfortable silences and dirty glances.  All that happens in my classes is a secluded loneliness in the back of glass, my nose shoved into a paper or a book, trying to drown myself in school work so I don’t think about what my problems are.

I do have to say that my writing has become exceedingly better.  My characters have depth, my story has substance, and it’s completely satisfactory, if I do say so myself.  I tried to use my characters to keep my mind occupied and away from everything.  I got almost 20 pages in two days.  It’s been pretty amazing to be able to write again, like a weight has been lifted.  

You know how bad it gets when I start reading only Meg  Cabot books.  Yep, I have resigned myself to teen novels written by Meg Cabot.  She has to be the most amazing writer in the history in forever.  She surpasses all the other writers I read, because it feels like Meg Cabot has been there forever…

I just wanted to use this last paragraph to wish the troops luck, and to let them know I’m praying for them. 

Have a good night, y’all. 





Selective Apologies, Reclusive Goodbyes

3 03 2008

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Listening to Panic! At the Disco’s “Build God, Then We’ll Talk” while writing this.  I feel horrible.  I’m tired, frustrated, my throat hurts from yelling, and my body aches.  It doesn’t get much worse than this.

No one really apologizes with sincerity anymore.  It’s forced words and a strange look when you finish.  We pick what we apologize for.  What will hurt our ego most?  Apologizing or not apologizing?  That’s the question and that’s what decides it.  We also apologize for our opinions alot, because nowadays, your opinions can endanger your life, your relationships, even your job.

I’ve moved around a lot.  I went to three different schools in less than two years, and then I got into high school, so that’s four schools in a year and a half.  I have been in the same school for two years and it’s pretty amazing, because I have friends, I have routines, and I love the house I live in.  There’s only one thing that hasn’t changed:

I still have to say goodbye.

Daniel told me that “People don’t see someone again because they choose to.  You are not forced to never see someone again.”

Partially true.  It also depends on lifestyle, but I truly believe once he’s gone, he’s gone and I’ll never speak to him again.  I may try to keep up with him, but when one person’s doing all the work, is it really worth trying to keep the relationship alive?





Mixed Tape

1 03 2008

I am currently working on Daniel’s mix, trying to decide which order I should put everything in.  The first song is “Mixed Tape” by Jack’s Mannequin, and I hope he likes it, because if he doesn’t I’ll feel bad.  *grins* I doubt he’ll hate it thought–or at least he won’t tell me.

I literally ripped apart my library today trying to find good stuff for his mix.  I’m really indecisive about it, because some of the stuff I want to put on there probably isn’t something he’s going to like.  I know some of the music that he listens to and it’s a little bit different from his.  He hate’s a lot of the stuff I listen to, but what one of my guy friends doesn’t?  I put “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers on there for him, and that’s only one that I know for sure he’ll actually like–we had a long discussion about it.

I need to be writing my novel right now, but at the moment, I’m content to be writing about the little things that make my life mine.  Making mixes for example.  I love making mixes.  The only part I don’t like is ripping the song to the computer and burning it to a cd.  Takes FOREVER.  But, when all is said and done, I have fun doing so, because if there’s one thing I love more than reading and writing, it’s introducing people to the music I listen to.  It’s just a good feeling.  Music makes everything better. 

Speaking of making everything better, I need to take Excederin, because my head’s killing me.  I need to start wearing my glasses, because I read for several hours straight on the weekends.  Par example, I spent two hours reading Neil Gaimain’s The Sand Man: Volume 4, The Seasons of Mist.  Although, the headache may be from the paint fumes that I was around while painting shutters today.  I’ll get over it.

Character development coming along for the modern rewrite of Tarot Cards right now.  Ramxpage and I are collaborating on cover ideas.  It’s not going to be very easy.  Once we have sketches and the final designs, I will of course post them.  My friend suggested self publishing, so maybe that way I can choose what the cover looks like.  My character has taken on aspects of my behavior of late, and she’s become really annoying.  To William at least.  I love it.  I’m going to go edit and rewrite now.  Bye! 





Talk About PMS

28 02 2008

I bought so much food today at lunch it is insane.  I am like two days away from my period and I’m going crazy.  It really explains the moodswings. 😀 Anyway, time to talk about my life…

I think my blog is boring.  I don’t do the cool picture thing everyone else does on like a weekly basis. When I need to represent a feeling I can’t put into words, I’ll put a picture up.  But other than that, it’s not happening.  Andrew calls this my “rant page” as if the blog is all one page.  (He knows nothing of blogs.)

Moving on.  Being in love isn’t as bad as it has been all year.  Still in love with the guy who is completely blind, according to my favorite hamster.  Whatever.  The year’s almost over, so it’ll probably be over then.  I pray that it won’t, but it will, because having confidence in the keeping in touch thing is really difficult.  I am trying to focus my doting attention upon my new love, William, the character of my book that is currently in the stage of rewrite!

Rewriting isn’t as hard as writing the book was in the first place, so that’s all good.  It’s easier to write it like it’s in the twenty-first century instead of in the nineteenth.  It’s a two hundred year difference.  My characters are a little more believable, because I have no idea how they talked back then, so there are no contractions throughout the novel.  (I mean the don’t, can’t shouldn’t, not the birth ones.)  Plus, I can make William look exactly how I want him:  tattoos and piercings, wherever I want them.  (Hah! You’re sick if you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking.)

So, I was sitting on my bed the other day, minding my own business, reading my Batman comic book when I realized, life really isn’t as difficult as people make it out to be.  I mean, it’s difficult in varying levels for varying people, but my life is fairly simple.  If I did my homework every so often, I could probably be class valedictorian.  Our class valedictorian has a teacher for  a parent, so they expect alot more.  My parents just expect me to the best I can.  I have a 4.2 doing absolutely nothing.  If I tried, it’d be a lot higher than that, but I have aspirations outside of doing homework seven hours a day. 

My weekend will be spent doing a research paper, and what little homework I want to do, while reading Michael Crichton’s Timeline, which is an amazing book.  I don’t really like male writers.  I have three exceptions:  Michael Crichton, John Grisham, and The Struggling Writer.

I hope all of you have a fabulous weekend, if I don’t post again until Monday, which is really probable, because I’ll be rewriting!  Here’s a picture for you to think about:

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Aren’t they beautiful?

 





I Said I Love You, Isn’t That Enough?

27 02 2008

Just because someone tells you that they love you DOES NOT mean that they do.  Unless they are one of those “Love thy neighbor” types, then maybe, but generally, when an athiest tells you that they love you, they are not doing it because religion dictates it.

I know a few people that expect me to believe everything that comes out of their mouth, including the once sacred phrase of, “I love you.”  I tried explaining to people that I am not naive when it comes to guys, because honestly, I know a guy who will do absolutely anything to get into a girl’s pants.  It’s actually kind of painful to watch–and experience–, but whatever.  When I see the things going on around me, I become wary of the world.

(Like, this weekend, I was watching Law & Order: SVU for a few hours and it kind of made me scared to go outside.)

I don’t believe everything people tell me.  Unless you are a really good friend, teacher, or Rachel Ramxpage, who doesn’t count as a friend anymore–she’s moved to the long lost sister role.  I think people expect “I love you” to make a difference in how you feel about them.  It may make you reciprocate the phrase, if only in words, not feeling.

Which is why I don’t want to get married.  With all the problems you have nowadays.  I would be the girl who believes a guy after years of not trusting guys.  Then, I would get married.  A couple years later, I’d probably pop out a couple of kids and then BAM!  He’s filing for divorce with his pretty new arm piece smiling dumbly at the court hearings. 

Maybe that’s what I fear. Not so much having children, but the part where I get ditched because I’m getting old.  It actually haunts me, that thought.  I had a conversation with one of my friends and he was appalled at me when I asked, “What if no one wants to marry me?”  He then proceeded to tell me that I was too wonderful to go on unmarried for the rest of my life.

Being in love sucks, by the way, I just wanted all of you to know that.  But, the thing is, it only seems to suck for me.  I usually have complicated relationships, and then I just hate the entire male race.

Like I do right now.

 





Seraphim: An Allegorical Tale of Good and Evil

16 02 2008
For the moment, the story is called Seraphim. There is a book by Faith Hunter called Seraph and I hate being anywhere close to anyone’s writing. It makes me feel like I’m stealing. That’s why I quit most of my writing–it sounds too much like the books I read. Every writer will be influenced by the books they read, but I don’t want to be too close. I can be close without being unoriginal. And since I have never read Faith’s book, I can’t say that I’m copying. I may read the book when I a done writing my story, so she doesn’t influence me, or make me feel bad about my writing.
Okay, anyway. I’ve been thinking about allegories since I watched Monsters, Inc. in film criticism earlier this year. I thought it was really cool, and contemplated writing an allegory. Things like that take a lot of intelligent thought and time. I had neither at that moment. (Ha, Kaelie made a funny…) So, I completely abandoned an allegory until I could come up with something decent.
I recently read The Scarlet Letter (yes, I know, I cringe when I think about it, too.) by Nathaniel Hawthorne and he was a genius–a boring one, but a genius. He used color symbolism, just flat out symbolism, and parables. I take a lot of example from him. Most of the American population hates him–I hate his books, but I respect his writing. So, then color symbolism appeared in my writing. It’s really subtle stuff. Like hair color, eye color, shadow play. If someone has a different hair or eye color from everyone else they are either bad or just really different. It really depends on the context and who the person is. Like, with Haven and Lucius. One has dark hair, one has blond hair. I already know why, but you don’t. The people that have read stories will be able to tell you, though. So talk to hamz or fluffy about it. They’re on my blogroll. You can even ask me, but sometimes I might not tell you, because I don’t risk talking about other stories while I’m in the middle of a project–like I am right now–because it distracts me.
Anyway, plot synopsis. Angels and demons basically, the usual good vs. evil story. OR IS IT? The main character is an “angel” by the name of Meliakos. She doesn’t have a last name as of yet. Maybe they don’t have last names in the celestial worlds–I don’t know yet. Her hair is black, and her eyes are green. Angels don’t have a specific eye color nor do they have black hair–it’s usually blond or really light brown. The only blond color however is like the true blond color. Not white, not platinum, not dirty, but the true blond. Like Rachel Ramxpage’s hair, if you want to be absolutely sure. (For the record, the blond hair that I use in my writing is normally her hair color.) I’ve lost my point. Meliakos–call me Mel–meets a blond demon named Gabriel, and he is the other “half” of the balance that angels have an annoying tendency to enforce and need. He is the second part of the allegory.
Mel is an angel, but she isn’t necessarily good. Gabriel is a demon, but he isn’t necessarily bad. The allegory? This allegory is ethics. If you can tell what’s what just by this little excerpt, props to you, if not, I’m happy because the allegory will be a surprise when you read the story. Right now, I just have it set as a short story, not a full fledged novel. I don’t know if I can get it to be that long.
Well, happy President’s Day if I’m not back by then.