So my personal posts have been on the minimum lately, because…well, because there’s really been so much bothering me that to post about all of it would take years–and it’s only happened in a matter of days. Time feels as if it is passing by sluggishly–like Father Time decided to take a couple Loritabs like the rest of American society to dull the pain of a dull life. It’s so tiring that when I get home, I just lay down and close my eyes and hope everything goes away. I thought I would be happier now that I’m working on a relationship. Now, I think the relationship is making me more miserable.
There is this one guy. I’m not dating him, I don’t even know if he calls me his friend, but he is utterfly amazing. He is the opposite of everything I have ever been drawn to in my whole life. I am usually drawn to the bad boys, and while he has a certain air of “bad boy” he’s not a druggie, nor does he feel the need to break the law. He’s actually an athlete, a swimmer to be precise and he is…He’s really nice to me, he talks to me, and sometimes he’ll call me out when I say something that makes me seem blond, but he never, ever makes me feel stupid, which is something even my best friends make me feel. I think he is perfect. I think that, if we dated, I would be happier than I ever was. He’s sort of blond…I don’t think he can technically be called blond–it’s more of a honey brown. He listens to a lot of the same music, which starts a lot of conversations. He also reads! Yeah! I know! Me, like someone who’s actually literate? Amazing. He’s read The Stand of all things, which even I can’t get through.
He sits in front of me in my English class, and when I talk to him, I think time should just stop for us. He probably doesn’t even think of me in passing during the day, but, you know what, I’m okay with that. He’s just so…ah! I can’t even describe it. It’s one of those you-have-no-words-for-it-it’s-so-amazing. It’s unspeakable. It’s like someone lit a fire in my stomach and poured gasoline on it. I don’t hate him, like I hate most the people I’m attracted. I just think it’s a safe admiration from a safe distance…although, it’s like less than two feet away. Who knows if he does maybe care just a tiny bit? I dated his friend for a few months, so he’s known about me for a really, really long time.
He just seems like the one who might be able to fix me, put me back together. My friend told me he was horrible in relationships, but that doesn’t matter. My friend isn’t trying to put himself back together.
When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
~ Coldplay “Fix You”