Happiness Is A Warm Gun

26 04 2008


I’ve felt disconnected for the past few weeks, like nothing was important–including this blog.  Especially this blog.  I click on that login button and I go “UGH, do I have to?”  Not anymore–I feel rejuvenated!  It was this odd chain of events that led to me spending the majority of my weekend with Ms. Rachel Ellane (she is no longer Ramxpage) and working my high school’s junior-senior prom.  And I’ve never had more fun.

As if to remind me how miserable I was during me and Rachel’s spat, our HSAP prompt asked me to recall my fondest memory (or one of them anyway).  The first thing that came to mind was the first time I ever ice skated–and that was with Rachel.  And, in an odd, roundabout way, it made me realize guys are not more important thand a good time.  Does that make sense?  This whole yaer–my whole high school career, in fact–I have let guys make me miserable and make me cry.  And the only crying I’m going to be doing is when my favorite teacher leaves.  (Don’t worry.  I’ll still talk to her–that’s not what makes me cry; I’ll be crying because she’ll finally escape the tyranny of our high school.)

I’ve always said that the line about hapiness coming from within was pretty much bullshit.  Shows how much I thought I knew.  Because, at the moment, I am completely content inside.  Rachel and I are back to normal–annoying each other for fun–and I don’t really like any guy at the moment, except for the boy in my class, but I’m taking that extremely slow due to some advice. (*cough*diane*cough*)  So that means the only thing I’m stressing over is what I’m wearing to HSAP testing tomorrow.  (Sounds like a disease, doesn’t it?  AIDS, HSAP, HIV, can you name the STD?)

I’m watching Ratatouille, which is an amazing movie.  You’ve got to love the characters.  Speaking of charactesr, I should work on a post for my writing blog.  It’s going to be interesting juggling all the internet crap I’ve got piled up.  I recently revived my livejournal for Rachel, so I’m juggling that, two wordpress blogs, twitter, etc.  Joy.  Plus, I forget, like, everything.  I forgot to message people on Twitter because I was caught up in Backseat Goodbye’s “Hello Yellow” (which is all RACHEL’S FAULT.)

So, I’ll leave you with this song that sums up a lot.

Sometimes I fear that I might dissapear
In the blur of fast forward I faulter again
Forgetting to breathe, I need to sleep
I’m getting nowhere

All that I’ve missed I see in the reflection
Passed me while I wasn’t paying attention
Tired of rushing, racing and running
I’m falling apart

Tell me
Oh won’t you take my hand and lead me
Slow me down
Don’t let love pass me by
Just show me how
‘Cause I’m ready to fall
Slow me down
Don’t let me live a lie
Before my life flys by
I need you to slow me down
-“Slow Me Down” by Emmy Rossum


Fix You

15 04 2008

So my personal posts have been on the minimum lately, because…well, because there’s really been so much bothering me that to post about all of it would take years–and it’s only happened in a matter of days.  Time feels as if it is passing by sluggishly–like Father Time decided to take a couple Loritabs like the rest of American society to dull the pain of a dull life.  It’s so tiring that when I get home, I just lay down and close my eyes and hope everything goes away.  I thought I would be happier now that I’m working on a relationship.  Now, I think the relationship is making me more miserable.

There is this one guy.  I’m not dating him, I don’t even know if he calls me his friend, but he is utterfly amazing.  He is the opposite of everything I have ever been drawn to in my whole life.  I am usually drawn to the bad boys, and while he has a certain air of “bad boy” he’s not a druggie, nor does he feel the need to break the law.  He’s actually an athlete, a swimmer to be precise and he is…He’s really nice to me, he talks to me, and sometimes he’ll call me out when I say something that makes me seem blond, but he never, ever makes me feel stupid, which is something even my best friends make me feel.  I think he is perfect.  I think that, if we dated, I would be happier than I ever was.  He’s sort of blond…I don’t think he can technically be called blond–it’s more of a honey brown.  He listens to a lot of the same music, which starts a lot of conversations.  He also reads!  Yeah!  I know!  Me, like someone who’s actually literate?  Amazing.  He’s read The Stand of all things, which even I can’t get through.

He sits in front of me in my English class, and when I talk to him, I think time should just stop for us.  He probably doesn’t even think of me in passing during the day, but, you know what, I’m okay with that.  He’s just so…ah!  I can’t even describe it.  It’s one of those you-have-no-words-for-it-it’s-so-amazing.  It’s unspeakable.  It’s like someone lit a fire in my stomach and poured gasoline on it.  I don’t hate him, like I hate most the people I’m attracted.  I just think it’s a safe admiration from a safe distance…although, it’s like less than two feet away.  Who knows if he does maybe care just a tiny bit?  I dated his friend for a few months, so he’s known about me for a really, really long time.

He just seems like the one who might be able to fix me, put me back together.  My friend told me he was horrible in relationships, but that doesn’t matter.  My friend isn’t trying to put himself back together.

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

~ Coldplay “Fix You”

There’s Your Sign, Pt. 1

15 04 2008

I’m taking a leaf out of Jeff Foxworthy’s metaphorical book and providing some comic relief.

You know you’ve encountered the Lost Generation when…

    • You hear police sirens and the kid in front of you jumps and says “Shit! I hope they  haven’t found my stash!”
    • Your high school has more expelled students than graduating students.
    • You hear “That’s what she said” ten times in just as many minutes.
    • The kid walking by you is tired because he’s coming off a hangover and a bedtime of an hour before.
    • You see two guys shake hands in the hallway at school.  (That is not a handshake kids.)
    • The only thing people want to know about you is “Do you have a cigarette?”
    • Getting kicked out of the house at 17 for drug use is the norm.
    • A pregnant girl responds to the question of her age like the following: “I’m 17, not that it’s any of your business; and yes, I know who the father is–do you think I’m a ho?
    • Someone thinks attending church will save them from hell.
    • A student skips class for their ninth Fall Out Boy concert, comes back and says, “Well, isn’t it excused?”
    • The person walking in front of you stops to talk and won’t “move out the way.”
    • You are called “Shawty” and “Sweet Thang.”
    • You see blown up condoms in the auditorium.
    • Someone asks what kind of government the United States operates under.  (It is debatable.)

I have definitely encountered all of these, so that’s why they put it there. 

And there’s your sign.

Talk About PMS

28 02 2008

I bought so much food today at lunch it is insane.  I am like two days away from my period and I’m going crazy.  It really explains the moodswings. 😀 Anyway, time to talk about my life…

I think my blog is boring.  I don’t do the cool picture thing everyone else does on like a weekly basis. When I need to represent a feeling I can’t put into words, I’ll put a picture up.  But other than that, it’s not happening.  Andrew calls this my “rant page” as if the blog is all one page.  (He knows nothing of blogs.)

Moving on.  Being in love isn’t as bad as it has been all year.  Still in love with the guy who is completely blind, according to my favorite hamster.  Whatever.  The year’s almost over, so it’ll probably be over then.  I pray that it won’t, but it will, because having confidence in the keeping in touch thing is really difficult.  I am trying to focus my doting attention upon my new love, William, the character of my book that is currently in the stage of rewrite!

Rewriting isn’t as hard as writing the book was in the first place, so that’s all good.  It’s easier to write it like it’s in the twenty-first century instead of in the nineteenth.  It’s a two hundred year difference.  My characters are a little more believable, because I have no idea how they talked back then, so there are no contractions throughout the novel.  (I mean the don’t, can’t shouldn’t, not the birth ones.)  Plus, I can make William look exactly how I want him:  tattoos and piercings, wherever I want them.  (Hah! You’re sick if you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking.)

So, I was sitting on my bed the other day, minding my own business, reading my Batman comic book when I realized, life really isn’t as difficult as people make it out to be.  I mean, it’s difficult in varying levels for varying people, but my life is fairly simple.  If I did my homework every so often, I could probably be class valedictorian.  Our class valedictorian has a teacher for  a parent, so they expect alot more.  My parents just expect me to the best I can.  I have a 4.2 doing absolutely nothing.  If I tried, it’d be a lot higher than that, but I have aspirations outside of doing homework seven hours a day. 

My weekend will be spent doing a research paper, and what little homework I want to do, while reading Michael Crichton’s Timeline, which is an amazing book.  I don’t really like male writers.  I have three exceptions:  Michael Crichton, John Grisham, and The Struggling Writer.

I hope all of you have a fabulous weekend, if I don’t post again until Monday, which is really probable, because I’ll be rewriting!  Here’s a picture for you to think about:


Aren’t they beautiful?


Hope We Both Learned Our Lesson

19 02 2008

That’s from Bayside’s “We’ll Be OK”, which is a wonderful song because of content.  I don’t really like the music, but the words are amazing.  It may not seem like it totally relates to this post, but I can’t give out all the information to what happened, because I don’t know if the other person implicated in this would care.  I don’t think he would, but I don’t want to take a chance. 

I was in a good mood before I went to lunch.  For reasons I will not divulge, I could not take the smile off of my face.  After lunch, however, this big rock of irritation and anger seemed to be crushing my ribs, breaking them into a thousand tiny pieces.  Those pieces were piercing my lungs and my hearts. 

Rachel was bitching about everything, and I love her, but I realize all we do is complain.  “I’m tired” “I have a headache”  “I hate people”  “I’m failing my class”.  We are a pair of whiny bitches.  I will tell you that. 

So, I’m already angry, because she’s been really snappy with me, and I think that she’s better friends with another girl, but I can’t tell.  I don’t even think I care anymore.  Then, I get into fourth, and I’m going to do something.  I have to go get a quote for yearbook.  There was this whole fiasco, which I don’t want to describe here, and I felt horrible. 

The yearbook advisor has officially estranged me from coming back for another year of yearbook.  I am so pissed off right now, that I want to scream my lungs out at everyone who has pissed me off today.  EVERYONE.  I want to scream until I can’t talk anymore. 

People keep telling me that our school sucks.  I used to say, “Oh, it’s not that bad.”  Now, I truly think it does suck.  I don’t care about all the stupid rules about PDA, and all that crap.  I’m a good student.  Sharing a seat with a guy friend does not mean I’m going to fail.  The yearbook advisor said today that she was the boss for the next week.  She said that she didn’t always agree with her boss, but that she bit her tongue and did it anyway.

I am tired of biting my tongue and following the rules.  I think that there is a line between breaking the rules wrongly, and breaking them for your own good.  I’m not sure where that line is, but I might just find out.  I’m not going to turn into a freaking delinquent, but I am going to evaluate my status as a goody two shoes, which I am sometimes.  I don’t care about much, but I almost never, ever get into trouble with the school. 

I’m probably going to get scolded for this post, but at the moment I don’t care.  This blog is not attached to the school, I have the right to freedom of speech and I am sure as hell going to express it.

I think I’m hyperventilating.


4 02 2008

There comes that point in your life when you realize that you know absolutely nothing.  You question all of your beliefs, second guess your most trusted confidants.  It’s like ice sliding down your spine, raising goosebumps all over your body, because you know that your life is going to change.

I just had my reality run over by a good friend of mine, whom none of you know, not even ramxpage.  Her life seems to be falling apart before her eyes, and I can only sit there and do nothing.  She seems to be going through the motions, suicidal thoughts, tears at the slightest mention of things that once brought a grin to her face and warmth to her heart.  I don’t like watching her hurt, because it is all so pointless.

I don’t approve of suicide.  It’s selfish, and a one way ticket to hell.  I do believe, and while everyone around me that isn’t a Christian is telling me that God doesn’t exist, I’m going to believe whatever I want because I can.  I believe that there is heaven, hell, God, and Lucifer.  I believe in it all, because without religion, mankind as a whole would fall apart.

My fingers are cold just sitting here talking about it.  It’s not right, to have to sit and watch your friends suffer.  You should be able to do something about it.  My friends watch me suffer.  I let them know when things are going badly, because I know that no matter what they will help me, even if I don’t ask for it.  I’ve been through a lot.  Not as much as most people.  I moved around a lot, recently became really good friends with so many beautifully made people, and I looked at my life today and went, “Damn.  I am an unappreciative bitch.”

I let things blur my eyesight, and my heart.  I am scared to lose my best friend.  Everyone around me can see it when we talk to each other, because we argue.  I don’t want to say the wrong thing, because what if that’s it?  What if, after one whole year of absolute bliss, she takes my words wrong and leaves me in the dust, for another girl that I know perfectly well to be her backup plan of sorts?

I have watched people around me kill themselves slowly with pills and drugs of all sorts.  I have seen the scars that knives leave on their bodies, and I have see the heartache that one attempted suicide causes everyone else. I  have also seen that attempted suicide taken so lightly that someone laughed at it.  It made me think about how common it actually was for a 17 year old boy to overdose on pills.

My friend keeps telling me that everyone has a right to complain.  I use that right quite a bit, because sometimes it just makes me feel better.  Some people, however, just bottle it all up inside and then when they let it loose, people get hurt, and I sometimes pick up the pieces of the now broken mirror once called friendship and try to piece it back together.

I don’t like thinking about my life on a deep basis, because it makes me sad.  Makes me sad to know that I am just one star in the middle of a vast galaxy.

Baby, It’s Cold Outside…

1 02 2008

It’s cold oustide.  I walk out to the car in the morning and by the time I complete that ten foot walk, my teeth are chattering.  It’s insane.  It shouldn’t be this cold in the south.  It’s not normal!!  All I want to do is curl up with a good book, some hot cocoa, and pile blankets atop myself while listening to M*A*S*H as it plays on the tv in the background.  Ah, I have found heaven on earth.  But, alas, I am sitting at the computer, writing this, trying to keep my eyes open and it’s one minute away from eight o’clock at night.  Grr.

I know that a lot of my friends wouldn’t want to curl up with a book and hot cocoa, but they would curl up with a guy and be cozy and watch some sappy romance (or, maybe in Ramxpage’s case all of the Saw movies…I don’t know, so don’t ask) but I wouldn’t do that if I had a chance to do the former.  Unless that guy happened to be a certain someone.  😀 You guys know of whom I speak. ;D 

I am exhausted, and I don’t want to anything but sleep.  My sister, however, would pitch a fit about me going to bed earlier than she was, and then she’d come in the room, banging around, making more noise than a disgruntled, drunk giant.  Ungh.

We were watching a documentary in film crit today on the importance of Star Wars, and I appreciate them a lot now.  They were all for the depressed age of the seventies and I’m glad that George Lucas produced that film–he changed a lot of people’s lives.  Maybe not mine, but maybe if I had lived in that age.

And for Winged Ham Ham–  MIDORI IS THE AWESOMEST THING TO EVER HIT THE PLANET.  I LOVE YOU FOR CHANGING MY OUTLOOK ON MANGA.  I love it!!!  I’m on my second way through it.  😀

I am sentencing myself to the gallows–again–by taking an AP US History course next year. I hate my social studies teacher right now, but I want to try again.  I hope I’ll do better.  We-e-e-e-e-ll, I have a novel to right and a bed that’s calling my name.  Good night, all my best wishes, sweet dreams, don’t bother me till Monday…just kidding.  😀  Anyway, I’ll catch you cool kids later!