White Wall

10 04 2008

I don’t understand the concept of clearing your mind.  I just don’t; I can’t even explain it.  To me, it’s like trying to understand what eternity is like.  I cannot conjure that “white wall” of nothingness that symbolizes a blank mind.  It is almost impossible for me.

I have been trying to conjure that perfectly white wall all freaking day.  Because I dwell on lots of stuff, but right now I can only think about one thing, one person and it’s…killing me.  I get this soaring sensation in my stomach; so I’m trying to sit in class and concentrate, but my mind is definitely somewhere else.  Makes it hard to take a test when I’m smiling about something he said or trying not to count down the minutes until I get out of class.  Reintroduce the soaring sensations in my stomach.  Ugh.

Especially since I have a temper, that damned white wall would be useful if it would a-freaking-ppear.  In Taste of Night, Tekla has the troop trying to make and destroy walls with their minds.  I cannot do either of them.  (Of course, I’m talking figuratively, because no one can do that.)  In the same book (through the whole series), I find myself confused by the Tulpa, unable to understand.  How do you get your mind around a being solidified by thought, not science?  By birth from a mother?  Confusing, that is. 😛 I guess we can’t understand everything.

I’m still having soaring sensations.  Catch you guys later.


Mixed Tape

1 03 2008

I am currently working on Daniel’s mix, trying to decide which order I should put everything in.  The first song is “Mixed Tape” by Jack’s Mannequin, and I hope he likes it, because if he doesn’t I’ll feel bad.  *grins* I doubt he’ll hate it thought–or at least he won’t tell me.

I literally ripped apart my library today trying to find good stuff for his mix.  I’m really indecisive about it, because some of the stuff I want to put on there probably isn’t something he’s going to like.  I know some of the music that he listens to and it’s a little bit different from his.  He hate’s a lot of the stuff I listen to, but what one of my guy friends doesn’t?  I put “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers on there for him, and that’s only one that I know for sure he’ll actually like–we had a long discussion about it.

I need to be writing my novel right now, but at the moment, I’m content to be writing about the little things that make my life mine.  Making mixes for example.  I love making mixes.  The only part I don’t like is ripping the song to the computer and burning it to a cd.  Takes FOREVER.  But, when all is said and done, I have fun doing so, because if there’s one thing I love more than reading and writing, it’s introducing people to the music I listen to.  It’s just a good feeling.  Music makes everything better. 

Speaking of making everything better, I need to take Excederin, because my head’s killing me.  I need to start wearing my glasses, because I read for several hours straight on the weekends.  Par example, I spent two hours reading Neil Gaimain’s The Sand Man: Volume 4, The Seasons of Mist.  Although, the headache may be from the paint fumes that I was around while painting shutters today.  I’ll get over it.

Character development coming along for the modern rewrite of Tarot Cards right now.  Ramxpage and I are collaborating on cover ideas.  It’s not going to be very easy.  Once we have sketches and the final designs, I will of course post them.  My friend suggested self publishing, so maybe that way I can choose what the cover looks like.  My character has taken on aspects of my behavior of late, and she’s become really annoying.  To William at least.  I love it.  I’m going to go edit and rewrite now.  Bye! 

Talk About PMS

28 02 2008

I bought so much food today at lunch it is insane.  I am like two days away from my period and I’m going crazy.  It really explains the moodswings. 😀 Anyway, time to talk about my life…

I think my blog is boring.  I don’t do the cool picture thing everyone else does on like a weekly basis. When I need to represent a feeling I can’t put into words, I’ll put a picture up.  But other than that, it’s not happening.  Andrew calls this my “rant page” as if the blog is all one page.  (He knows nothing of blogs.)

Moving on.  Being in love isn’t as bad as it has been all year.  Still in love with the guy who is completely blind, according to my favorite hamster.  Whatever.  The year’s almost over, so it’ll probably be over then.  I pray that it won’t, but it will, because having confidence in the keeping in touch thing is really difficult.  I am trying to focus my doting attention upon my new love, William, the character of my book that is currently in the stage of rewrite!

Rewriting isn’t as hard as writing the book was in the first place, so that’s all good.  It’s easier to write it like it’s in the twenty-first century instead of in the nineteenth.  It’s a two hundred year difference.  My characters are a little more believable, because I have no idea how they talked back then, so there are no contractions throughout the novel.  (I mean the don’t, can’t shouldn’t, not the birth ones.)  Plus, I can make William look exactly how I want him:  tattoos and piercings, wherever I want them.  (Hah! You’re sick if you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking.)

So, I was sitting on my bed the other day, minding my own business, reading my Batman comic book when I realized, life really isn’t as difficult as people make it out to be.  I mean, it’s difficult in varying levels for varying people, but my life is fairly simple.  If I did my homework every so often, I could probably be class valedictorian.  Our class valedictorian has a teacher for  a parent, so they expect alot more.  My parents just expect me to the best I can.  I have a 4.2 doing absolutely nothing.  If I tried, it’d be a lot higher than that, but I have aspirations outside of doing homework seven hours a day. 

My weekend will be spent doing a research paper, and what little homework I want to do, while reading Michael Crichton’s Timeline, which is an amazing book.  I don’t really like male writers.  I have three exceptions:  Michael Crichton, John Grisham, and The Struggling Writer.

I hope all of you have a fabulous weekend, if I don’t post again until Monday, which is really probable, because I’ll be rewriting!  Here’s a picture for you to think about:


Aren’t they beautiful?


Seraphim: An Allegorical Tale of Good and Evil

16 02 2008
For the moment, the story is called Seraphim. There is a book by Faith Hunter called Seraph and I hate being anywhere close to anyone’s writing. It makes me feel like I’m stealing. That’s why I quit most of my writing–it sounds too much like the books I read. Every writer will be influenced by the books they read, but I don’t want to be too close. I can be close without being unoriginal. And since I have never read Faith’s book, I can’t say that I’m copying. I may read the book when I a done writing my story, so she doesn’t influence me, or make me feel bad about my writing.
Okay, anyway. I’ve been thinking about allegories since I watched Monsters, Inc. in film criticism earlier this year. I thought it was really cool, and contemplated writing an allegory. Things like that take a lot of intelligent thought and time. I had neither at that moment. (Ha, Kaelie made a funny…) So, I completely abandoned an allegory until I could come up with something decent.
I recently read The Scarlet Letter (yes, I know, I cringe when I think about it, too.) by Nathaniel Hawthorne and he was a genius–a boring one, but a genius. He used color symbolism, just flat out symbolism, and parables. I take a lot of example from him. Most of the American population hates him–I hate his books, but I respect his writing. So, then color symbolism appeared in my writing. It’s really subtle stuff. Like hair color, eye color, shadow play. If someone has a different hair or eye color from everyone else they are either bad or just really different. It really depends on the context and who the person is. Like, with Haven and Lucius. One has dark hair, one has blond hair. I already know why, but you don’t. The people that have read stories will be able to tell you, though. So talk to hamz or fluffy about it. They’re on my blogroll. You can even ask me, but sometimes I might not tell you, because I don’t risk talking about other stories while I’m in the middle of a project–like I am right now–because it distracts me.
Anyway, plot synopsis. Angels and demons basically, the usual good vs. evil story. OR IS IT? The main character is an “angel” by the name of Meliakos. She doesn’t have a last name as of yet. Maybe they don’t have last names in the celestial worlds–I don’t know yet. Her hair is black, and her eyes are green. Angels don’t have a specific eye color nor do they have black hair–it’s usually blond or really light brown. The only blond color however is like the true blond color. Not white, not platinum, not dirty, but the true blond. Like Rachel Ramxpage’s hair, if you want to be absolutely sure. (For the record, the blond hair that I use in my writing is normally her hair color.) I’ve lost my point. Meliakos–call me Mel–meets a blond demon named Gabriel, and he is the other “half” of the balance that angels have an annoying tendency to enforce and need. He is the second part of the allegory.
Mel is an angel, but she isn’t necessarily good. Gabriel is a demon, but he isn’t necessarily bad. The allegory? This allegory is ethics. If you can tell what’s what just by this little excerpt, props to you, if not, I’m happy because the allegory will be a surprise when you read the story. Right now, I just have it set as a short story, not a full fledged novel. I don’t know if I can get it to be that long.
Well, happy President’s Day if I’m not back by then.

Curbxstomp Is, Sadly, Not Writing At The Moment

11 02 2008

I should be working on my book,  but that’s not happening because I’m talking to Austen on the phone, and writing this.  I need to be working!!!  Instead, I’m ranting about Valentine’s day. 😀  Never mind, not ranting anymore, because my dad’s a jerk and just kicked me off the phone because it was “too late”.  Stupid.  I don’t even care. 

I don’t hate Valentine’s day, but it can be really discomfiting sometimes and I hate that, like, a lot.  So, I’m not like the people who are out to slaughter people who celebrate Valentine’s day with their sweethearts. 

Anyway, back on subject.  I have a new main character that I was going to try to work on, but I have to find the paper I was writing on earlier today, and then I can elaborate.  I need to work on TCABR, but unfortunately I’m kind of stuck. 😦  Sucks, but I’ll hopefully move on soon.  It was doing so great because my anger was kind of motivating it…it’s not anymore.  William got really angry, and now I’ve got all this anger and no channel for it, so maybe I have to get mad again.  Which shouldn’t be difficult with the way my life’s going. 

Beautiful Darkness

11 02 2008

Illness is making me want to hurt someone.  I am so tired of being sick!  I really have done nothing in the past three days, missed school on Friday–all I did was sit around and watch Doctor Who, and now I’m back at school, trying to keep my lids from slamming shut on my eyes. 

I was reading a Neil Gaiman comic book called Death: The Time of Your Life.  Death is this gorgeous woman, with this ankh, and she has this curly tattoo under her eye.  Reading those comic books–any of his–is an experience.  He makes everything normally feared and rejected into something beautifully dark.  I love his style, and its pretty much going along with how I feel these days.

My life seems a little darker than normal.  It’s all a haze, and I can barely tell what’s going on.  I have to pay attention to everything, and I don’t have time; I barely have time to do a lot of the things that I want to do.  Reading has become a chore.  I’m tired of reading.  I don’t want to read anymore.  I just want to stop reading because I have no time, even though most days I make time by putting something off.  It’s difficult.

I hate high school.  I hate getting up early, I hate the fact that one sick day puts you back forever.  I hate the people that get on your nerves. 

Hate is a strong word, my yearbook advisor says.  Maybe I should say dislike.  But I have freedom of speech, so that’s great.  Me saying I hate all of this reminds me of something that Yoda said:

“Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering, suffering leads to the dark side.”

Good quote.  Makes sense.  Anger has become common in my mindset, but it has disappeared from my writing.  My characters–all of them–are going through “soul-searching” which I am in serious need of. Because getting myself into relationships that are unhealthy seems to be my particular specialty.  And it sucks, because it involves a lot of pain, crying, and ice cream eaten at Rachel’s house while watching a gory movie with a sucky ending. 

My characters in specific, though, are in a weird mood.  They are having a lot of those moments that make you go, “Aw,” and I hate those moments because while I’m writing them, it’s really uncomfortable when other people read them.  It’s annoying.  I have issues with that.  I’m not a romantic person I guess, but my characters usually are.  Relationships usually add a lot of what I call fluff to the plot, so my relationships are quite abundant.  Whether is be friends or what.  People are like, “well, aren’t there always relationships?”  Some books I read, you follow one person through the entire thing and at the end they mention a relative or something and I don’t like that.  You’re writing about a person. You have to have some sort of relationship.

That has to be one of my more disorganized posts, but I’m so sick I just want to post and go to bed, but unfortunately, I have to go through the rest of the school day.  Happy Monday.   

Baby, It’s Cold Outside…

1 02 2008

It’s cold oustide.  I walk out to the car in the morning and by the time I complete that ten foot walk, my teeth are chattering.  It’s insane.  It shouldn’t be this cold in the south.  It’s not normal!!  All I want to do is curl up with a good book, some hot cocoa, and pile blankets atop myself while listening to M*A*S*H as it plays on the tv in the background.  Ah, I have found heaven on earth.  But, alas, I am sitting at the computer, writing this, trying to keep my eyes open and it’s one minute away from eight o’clock at night.  Grr.

I know that a lot of my friends wouldn’t want to curl up with a book and hot cocoa, but they would curl up with a guy and be cozy and watch some sappy romance (or, maybe in Ramxpage’s case all of the Saw movies…I don’t know, so don’t ask) but I wouldn’t do that if I had a chance to do the former.  Unless that guy happened to be a certain someone.  😀 You guys know of whom I speak. ;D 

I am exhausted, and I don’t want to anything but sleep.  My sister, however, would pitch a fit about me going to bed earlier than she was, and then she’d come in the room, banging around, making more noise than a disgruntled, drunk giant.  Ungh.

We were watching a documentary in film crit today on the importance of Star Wars, and I appreciate them a lot now.  They were all for the depressed age of the seventies and I’m glad that George Lucas produced that film–he changed a lot of people’s lives.  Maybe not mine, but maybe if I had lived in that age.

And for Winged Ham Ham–  MIDORI IS THE AWESOMEST THING TO EVER HIT THE PLANET.  I LOVE YOU FOR CHANGING MY OUTLOOK ON MANGA.  I love it!!!  I’m on my second way through it.  😀

I am sentencing myself to the gallows–again–by taking an AP US History course next year. I hate my social studies teacher right now, but I want to try again.  I hope I’ll do better.  We-e-e-e-e-ll, I have a novel to right and a bed that’s calling my name.  Good night, all my best wishes, sweet dreams, don’t bother me till Monday…just kidding.  😀  Anyway, I’ll catch you cool kids later!