The First To End

13 01 2008

This post is about one of the proudest moments in my life.  I am like *this* close to being done with the first manuscript of my novel.  I am so freaking excited that I can’t wait to work on it…the only reason I’m not doing that at the moment is because I’m talking to y’all.  Rachel is only a week or so away from being the queen of England.  But, she told me she wasn’t going to read what made her the queen of England because it wasn’t part of our agreement.  Figures.

My manuscript so far is 192 pages without the long excerpt I had to edit, which is, at the moment, in a separate document, so with that…it’s over 200 pages, and then I have to write the last five or six chapters, which should take me like two days, depending on how much computer time I get.  Hamz likes reading my work, so she unwittingly deemed herself my critiquer.  She gets to check for my mistakes.  Maybe not.  I’ll probably have my mother do that and then Hamz can read it for leisure.  😀

I have discovered that the Moulin Rouge soundtrack is one of the most motivating.  It kept my attention on writing for over two hours.  Normally, I get on the computer, I write for maybe twenty minutes and then I get bored.  Then, I blog or mess around with my settings on my blog, get bored with that and play freecell until my dad tells me to get off the computer.  So, yeah.  I have the attention span of a goldfish with ADD, as I have told you before, and that only applies to my writing, because I can sit and read an entire book with only breaks for the bathroom.  Unlike Rampage, you have to tie her down, drug her, and give her enough food to feed an entire third world country to get her to read.  Just kidding, ramxpage. 

It also helps that yesterday my parents were talking about my brother and his band competition and how proud they were.  Great, yeah, I’m proud, too, but since no one seems to care about my writing, the only way to get attention is to finish the first draft, and have my mother edit it.  I think she will like it.  I know I love it and you know if you like it it has to be good.  😀  Wow, that can apply to so many things that I shouldn’t have said it.

Anyway, my manuscript is so close to being finished that I am on the verge of going psycho because I’m so EXCITED!  I’m going to Ramxpage’s hockey game tonight and chilling at her house for a while, so I’ll be put back a day or so in my writing.  Oh, well.  I’ll post about the results of the game, and how everything’s going tonight!



3 12 2007

I feel like life is just flying before my eyes, making me feel like I’m spinning in a circle, and by the time I get to the end of the day, I’m dizzy. 

It’s awful.  Why is time going so fast?  My life is slipping from between my fingers and nothing feels like it matters or is worth it anymore.  It’s like I’m wasting my time when I’m not interacting with people.  My writing has suffered because I fear being alone, and not spending time with my family.

I was in fourth period today and Daniel wanted me to sit with him, and I was like, “We have thirty seconds left.”  He said, “That’s thirty more seconds we get to spend together.”  It made me smile, and I think that, when you are in high school, the thirty seconds you spend with your friends in the hallways on your way to class really make the difference in your life.  I know that seeing Ramxpage for a collecive 3.5 seconds on my way to third period is what I look forward to every day, even though I know I will see her later. 

I was listening to Rachel ramxpage sing along to Moulin Rouge on the phone the other day, and the movie’s about love right?  It made me really sad, because I can’t decide whether or not falling in love is really worth it.  Especially marriage…how scary is that?  I’m terrified of commitment, I think.  Last time I committed I got, I got hurt, and I didn’t like it very much.

Myles is happy, though, and I feel like crap, because he just became happy, and I am…I’m not depressed.  But, I have been told that I am very cynical.  I agree with that.  I don’t view the world through a haze of pink happiness.  It’s more of a violet shade of doubt and aloofness.  I don’t know if it bothers Daniel, because he counters everything I say with…happiness?  No, more of an optimistic view of a world that doesn’t really exist.

I don’t know whether or not I should go for the gold.  I hate it when I get these hints, and I misinterpret them, and I look stupid.  I hate looking dumb.  I went for math tutoring this morning, because I don’t understand corresponding angles crap, and I felt dumb because these two other girls came in and were answering the questions for me.  It ticked me off, because it was my tutoring session and they were intruding.

Sometimes I feel like people are holding me back.  I make decisions based on what my friends are going to say to and about me, and I don’t know if that is going to cut it.  I can’t be afraid of people hating me based on one decision right?  It’s family that counts in this world, I don’t care how distant.  Lindsay is my support system that is 800 miles away.  She’s 8 years older than I am, and it helps, because while I’ve seen things that she hasn’t, it’s vice versa.  She can tell me things based on her experience, and that makes it easier.  There are things that you just can’t tell your parents.  There are things that you can’t tell anyone, and you have to keep them to yourself, and that’s the hardest thing to do in the world.

People say change and death are the hardest.  You are contending with loss, and destruction, which is a part of life.  Death balances life, just like white balances black.  It is inevitable.  But I think that carrying a burden by yourself is difficult, extremely so.  It can damage you, and it can help you, but more often than not, it makes you bitter.  Those secrets that everyone has reside just on the surface, but no one can see them, and that makes it all the worse, because you are nearly screaming for someone to call out your problem so you don’t seem like an attention seeker.

People have friends that they unload on.  I do, you probably do, Myles does, Lindsay, Fluffy, Hamz, everyone, but sometimes I fear my friends.  They wield a power over you that can hurt you when they decide they don’t want to harbor your secrets anymore.  That is one of my biggest fears, and I don’t know if any of my friends now would ever do that.   I pray that they don’t, but I’ve had it happen before, and that is the worst betrayal there is.

Thanksgiving: The Holiday From Hell

26 11 2007

While Thanksgiving wasn’t hellish, it was definitely fast and furious, and I was sick for the most part.  Throwing up, sore throat, headache, the usual.  My relatives arrived late on Thursday, around 6 p.m.  We were so happy to see them that I almost started crying, because we haven’t seen them in a whole year.  So, I ate, and then I threw up after I went to bed.  That was about 4 in the morning.  And I was so sick for the rest of the morning, I cried because I was so tired.  So, on Friday, I was still sick and I couldn’t stand up without my head pounding as if someone rang a bell inside it.   It would suck to be a bell.

Thankfully, we didn’t do anything on Friday, because of course, it was black Friday, and everyone knows that unless you want to get run off the road you don’t leave the house.  Crazy holiday shoppers.  But, we did go swimming at the hotel that my grandparents, and my aunt and uncle were staying at (a very classy Embassy Suites) and the hot tub felt so amazing because I was sick.

I went to stay at the hotel for a night, after we went downtown on Saturday (I am going to post pictures of this trip as soon as we get the pictures emailed to us from my aunt.  I am proud to say I actually look good in those pictures.  It was quite surprising.), and me, Chris, and Lindsay all watched The Replacements with Keanu Reeves.  I love him.  He’s gorgeous.  Anyway, it was hilarious, because we got my 4 year old sister to stay with us, but it took us a lot of crying to do so because she had never been without her mother for a night.  It was hilarious, though, and that’s what mattered.

Sunday was a lot of fun, we went to Barnes and Noble where I purchased Halfway to the Grave by Jeaniene Frost.  It’s good so far.  Then, we went to Sticky Fingers, which was fun.  Then, we went home baked about a hundred cookies, some buckeyes, and then a handful of chocolate covered pretzels.  It was late before they left and I was starting to get worried, because they were leaving on Monday, and I wanted to say a good-bye. But, we were all late for school today so we could eat breakfast with them before they left. 

It was sad.  I was staring at the evacuation plans on the door so I wouldn’t cry.  It looked like Chris and Lindsay were going to cry, but they need to move!  Move to South Carolina! I hope they do.  We never see family.  It’s an 800 mile trip from Michigan, so, you know.  I am kind of depressed now because when I go home, my relatives won’t be there and I will be…I don’t know, but it won’t be happy.

He Doesn’t Look A Thing Like Jesus

19 11 2007

Okay, currently, my favorite song is “When You Were Young” by The Killers.  That’s why the title is such.

“You sit in your heartache, waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways.  Now it doesn’t matter, oh, here he comes.  He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus, but he talks like a gentleman like you imagined when you were young.”

I love that quote just because it pretty much sums up my life.  😀 But, I still don’t know the name of my beautiful boy, even though I see him every day at lunch. 😀 So many smiley faces today. I am just having a good day.  Currently reading A Lick of Frost by Laurell K. Hamilton, the Merry Gentry series.  It’s okay.  I don’t really like that series compared to the Anita Blake books because…who doesn’t love Anita Blake?  Wierd people.  LOL!

Anyway.  My writing is coming along excellently actually.  I have discovered the source of my writer’s block.  It is the fact that I am hesitant about writing what pops into my head first, and I’ve started doing that, and I can consecutively write a story now.  I am trying to stop the little excerpts, unless it is just so amazing I can’t resist.  The only thing that would make me write excerpts would be length.  You are supposed to finish a notebook a month, but the woman who wrote that must be insane. I don’t have the time…I barely have time to read nowadays.  So I make time by not paying attention in class…like right now, but who cares?  Probably O-Dawg.

Anybody else love the song “Lovestoned/I Think She Knows” by Justin Timberlake?  It’s really out of the ordinary for me to listen to something like that, but I absolutely adore all of the songs that have come off of his new album.  My mom does too.  I love that he music tastes are so similar to mine.  😀

Ah, Thanksgiving is approaching.  My aunt commented on here, which makes me happy.  I think I would like it if people in my family looked at my blog, because since they all leave 800 miles away, we never really talk.  There is, however, one thing I hate about entertaining relatives and I will tell you what it is: my mother going anal on us.  We clean everything, and then we clean everything again with a toothbrush with soap.

Okay, so I may be exaggerating, but at the same time, my mother goes crazy with the cleaning.  She does this when we have friends over, too.  I see the solution to this: never have guests.  Actually, maybe we should just keep the house clean all the time…Nah.  That’s actually really difficult with a 7 member family.  Five kids, two adults, not to mention to two retarded cats…  In short, that gives you a messy house.

Well, the bell is going to ring at any moment, and I need to be on time to class…for once. 


18 11 2007

Currently watching Scoop at Rampage’s house.  I love this movie.  It’s hilarious.  It is three in the morning and I’m not even slightly tired.  Is Rae Rae tired?  No, she says.  LOL!  This chick always makes me feel better, even when I have suffered a great emotional blow.  😦 But, whatever.  Life moves on, doesn’t it?  It does.  Trust me.  I would know.

So, life at the moment…in Brad’s words?  It’s lifey.  Whatever the hell that means.  I need more caffeine.  Mountain Dew break.  Never mind.  There was only one left and Rachel wants it.  Never mind.  We have a whole 2 liters of coke.  No, not the kind you’re thinking!  What are you thinking?  I really am talking about Coca-Cola.  LOL.

My writing is suffering.  Not really.  I was talking to Ronald and he was showing an interest in my writing and it made me feel better.  I got Rampage to write VENATOR, the Latin word for Hunter on my back and it looks amazing.  I can’t wait until I turn 18 because then I can get all…hold on, let me count…I can only count three so far.  Once I have discovered how to use the scanner on my friggin printer, I will be able to show you EXACTLY what my tattoos are to look like.  Two are the same thing but different colors.  The first one I get when I turn 18.  The second one I get if I get married, because that’s what it symbolizes.  And then you have venator on my back, because one of my characters has that word on her back.  Are you sensing a theme here?

My mother and my father hate tattoos.  I have found it useless to argue with them.  Just like they hate piercings.  I don’t like a lot of piercings myself,  but they go a little out of the way to express their hate for them.  I don’t really want any piercing of any sort.  I was contemplating a lip piercing for a while,  but I was talking to Ward and she said that after a while, those holes are permanent and I don’t want a permanent hole above my lip. I’m sorry.  I have enough difficulty contending with one pimple at a time, much less a huge friggin’ hole.

Maybe I should get a life.  LOL.  I have a life.  And it always ends up at Rampage’s house for some reason.  I love Rampage’s house.  We always have loads of fun.  She is my BFFL, of course.  Haven’t had one of those for a really, really long time.  I don’t know what I am going to do on the last day of school on senior year.  I’ll be a frigging wreck.  I’m going to be a wreck this year at the senior slideshow because kooldanny’s going to be graduating and I will really miss the kid!

I’m getting a little tired staring down at this computer screen… Maybe I should write another ficlet.  Don’t forget to check those out.  Catch you kids later!




18 11 2007

I am getting really tired of people not being who I thought they were in the first place.  Some of these people I doubt are people I have known my whole life.  I only now just realized how much more goes on in their lives outside of me, outside of our family.  I’m not even talking about immediate family.

I don’t know.  My friends have slowly worked their way from friends to family.  Well, friend.  Singular.  I only have one friend that really constitutes as family, and sorry to all of you other friends, but I know you understand.  It isn’t like we hang out outside of school.

It’s just really irritating to me that people can act one way and then you see them among the people that aren’t family, they become someone you don’t know.  Mostly, it isn’t the adults that disappoint me.  I mean you hear those stories where their relatives get drunk and then you discover what they really think.  My family doesn’t really drink.  Especially with all the kids in my nuclear family.  It kind of puts a damper on smoking and drinking.  I think us five kids are the only people in our whole family that aren’t old enough to drink with the exception of one of our little cousins.

I think I am rambling now, but I felt that I really needed to get that off my chest.  I am getting really really tired of the rock that is constantly sitting on my chest…maybe more of a boulder.  I swear, I am going to get carpal tunnel with all this typing I’m doing nowadays.


17 10 2007

Okay…Well, as I said a few months ago, I might apply to the governor’s school, and then I decided that I wouldn’t.  I am applying again.  I truly am this time, and I am really nervous and I don’t know if I want to get in.   I think part of me hopes that I won’t get in so I have an excuse not to go, but then another part of me wants to succeed, and I don’t know.

I would be leaving my family for two years, barring any sort of break, because that would be weekends, and four-day weekends, and normal breaks.  I would not come home after school to talk to my mother about why I hate school (just seventh period and the getting up early part) and why I want to be a writer.  I would be improving my writing while at the governor’s school, but at the same time…is it really worth it?  I want to cry right now.  People are all like, “Yeah!  You should go, it would be a great opportunity for your writing!”  I am a person, people!  I am not just good for my writing!  I seem to think that this world is sickeningly materialistic in the way we stock everything in how much money you make and how you do it.

I don’t know if I want my kids to grow up in this kind of world where school will break your mind, and people will break your back.  It wasn’t like this awhile ago.  Why does it have to be like this?  It’s sad that for my generation, we are the fall of the United States, and I can’t really do anything about it, because there are very few of us who aren’t getting high and smashed every weekend.  Even people I thought I knew do drugs sometimes and they drink like Lindsay Lohan.  It makes me sick.