Happiness Is A Warm Gun

26 04 2008

(OR HIGH SCHOOL AND ITS TYRANNY)

I’ve felt disconnected for the past few weeks, like nothing was important–including this blog.  Especially this blog.  I click on that login button and I go “UGH, do I have to?”  Not anymore–I feel rejuvenated!  It was this odd chain of events that led to me spending the majority of my weekend with Ms. Rachel Ellane (she is no longer Ramxpage) and working my high school’s junior-senior prom.  And I’ve never had more fun.

As if to remind me how miserable I was during me and Rachel’s spat, our HSAP prompt asked me to recall my fondest memory (or one of them anyway).  The first thing that came to mind was the first time I ever ice skated–and that was with Rachel.  And, in an odd, roundabout way, it made me realize guys are not more important thand a good time.  Does that make sense?  This whole yaer–my whole high school career, in fact–I have let guys make me miserable and make me cry.  And the only crying I’m going to be doing is when my favorite teacher leaves.  (Don’t worry.  I’ll still talk to her–that’s not what makes me cry; I’ll be crying because she’ll finally escape the tyranny of our high school.)

I’ve always said that the line about hapiness coming from within was pretty much bullshit.  Shows how much I thought I knew.  Because, at the moment, I am completely content inside.  Rachel and I are back to normal–annoying each other for fun–and I don’t really like any guy at the moment, except for the boy in my class, but I’m taking that extremely slow due to some advice. (*cough*diane*cough*)  So that means the only thing I’m stressing over is what I’m wearing to HSAP testing tomorrow.  (Sounds like a disease, doesn’t it?  AIDS, HSAP, HIV, can you name the STD?)

I’m watching Ratatouille, which is an amazing movie.  You’ve got to love the characters.  Speaking of charactesr, I should work on a post for my writing blog.  It’s going to be interesting juggling all the internet crap I’ve got piled up.  I recently revived my livejournal for Rachel, so I’m juggling that, two wordpress blogs, twitter, etc.  Joy.  Plus, I forget, like, everything.  I forgot to message people on Twitter because I was caught up in Backseat Goodbye’s “Hello Yellow” (which is all RACHEL’S FAULT.)

So, I’ll leave you with this song that sums up a lot.

Sometimes I fear that I might dissapear
In the blur of fast forward I faulter again
Forgetting to breathe, I need to sleep
I’m getting nowhere

All that I’ve missed I see in the reflection
Passed me while I wasn’t paying attention
Tired of rushing, racing and running
I’m falling apart

Tell me
Oh won’t you take my hand and lead me
Slow me down
Don’t let love pass me by
Just show me how
‘Cause I’m ready to fall
Slow me down
Don’t let me live a lie
Before my life flys by
I need you to slow me down
-“Slow Me Down” by Emmy Rossum

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White Wall

10 04 2008

I don’t understand the concept of clearing your mind.  I just don’t; I can’t even explain it.  To me, it’s like trying to understand what eternity is like.  I cannot conjure that “white wall” of nothingness that symbolizes a blank mind.  It is almost impossible for me.

I have been trying to conjure that perfectly white wall all freaking day.  Because I dwell on lots of stuff, but right now I can only think about one thing, one person and it’s…killing me.  I get this soaring sensation in my stomach; so I’m trying to sit in class and concentrate, but my mind is definitely somewhere else.  Makes it hard to take a test when I’m smiling about something he said or trying not to count down the minutes until I get out of class.  Reintroduce the soaring sensations in my stomach.  Ugh.

Especially since I have a temper, that damned white wall would be useful if it would a-freaking-ppear.  In Taste of Night, Tekla has the troop trying to make and destroy walls with their minds.  I cannot do either of them.  (Of course, I’m talking figuratively, because no one can do that.)  In the same book (through the whole series), I find myself confused by the Tulpa, unable to understand.  How do you get your mind around a being solidified by thought, not science?  By birth from a mother?  Confusing, that is. 😛 I guess we can’t understand everything.

I’m still having soaring sensations.  Catch you guys later.





I’m Everything You Hate

24 03 2008

I haven’t had much to write about these last few days…weeks…but I was reading a magazine that I got as a requirement, and it made me think.  One or two stories in particular.  April’s edition of Glamour was what I picked up (along with Blender and Elle, the latter has Natalie Portman on the cover and she is GORGEOUS) and I just finished reading through it.  So, now I can tell you about the articles that made me think.

Article Numero Une:  “Single Female Seeks Baby, Now!”
Open Diary article by Jessica Queller, writer for show Gossip Girl

It starts off with a story of how her mother died of ovarian cancer after defeated breast cancer.  This prompts her to get a mastectomy (breast removal) and then a reconstruction.  Both of these topics lead to her “baby-making” plans as she calls them.  PGD (preimplantation genetic diagonsis) is one of her first thoughts, to make sure her babies won’t have the risk for ovarian cancer and breast cancer, but then her ethics tell her otherwise.  I was reading all of this like, oookay, and then the next part is what hit me really hard.  She ends up telling a group that she doesn’t want a boyfriend.  She only wants to find a suitable donor.  Two guys–TWO–offer to be the donor, one actually telling her he’d help raise the kid.  There is a definite awww…factor  there, but then, she turns them both down. 

Searching through some sort of anonymous donor thing, she finds the perfect guy, only to find out, when she was on the verge of purchasing the sperm, that his sperm was no longer available.  She ends up finding another candidate, of course, but after insemination, her pregnancy test was negative.  I was so sad when I read that one pink line showed up.  She wanted a baby so bad, and it didn’t happen.  But, at least she knows that there is definitely one in the near future, right?

I don’t know why, but I had never really thought about having kids that way.  These past few weeks, I have undergone some serious thinking, and some serious changes, and I realize, kids might be a possibility.  I want to experience pregnancy, just like this woman.  She didn’t necessarily want to get narried, but she did want to go through precnancy.  I totally agree with that idea, but it seems lonely to me.  It’s just good to know that you DON’T have to be married to have kids, which has been pounded into my skull with a concrete mallet most of my life.

Article Numero Deux:  “Salma: On Her Lifesaving Work (And Brand-New Baby)”
Interview between Salma Hayek and Eve Ensler, the playwright who brought us the Vagina Monologues

Salma Hayek is very outspoken against any domestic violence, and is very involved in the movement against.  Apparently, she witnessed a lot of it, and being a strong woman, she didn’t stand for it.  A lot of the interview talked about her pregnancy and her new baby, Valentina, but it just made her seem so much stronger.  She’s having a long-distance engagement, raising a baby, performed in the Vagina Monologues, and participates in a movement against domestic violence.  Not to mention she’s gorgeously curvy.

This article was just very motivating.  I’ve had relationship issues–and I’m not just talking about boyfriend-wise–but this time I refer specifically to it.  Both of these articles really showed me that you don’t necessarily need someone to make you whole.  Someone else can make you feel better, but all your self-satisfaction has to come from yourself, because you really do count.

I did a lot of reflecting today, especially after that first article.  I just want to show the world and be like, “SEE!? YOU WERE WRONG! I DON’T NEED A GUY TO COMPLETE MY LIFE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!”  I’m not referring to anyone in specific, but I’m referring to some people out there who constantly moan over the fact that they don’t have a boyfriend.  My advice?  Get over yourself.  You’ll get one soon enough.  For me?  Right now, I’m content to love my friends, my self, my new found independence from the general consensus, and my writing.  Because that’s all that matters, right?





Selective Apologies, Reclusive Goodbyes

3 03 2008

darkbluesunset.jpg

Listening to Panic! At the Disco’s “Build God, Then We’ll Talk” while writing this.  I feel horrible.  I’m tired, frustrated, my throat hurts from yelling, and my body aches.  It doesn’t get much worse than this.

No one really apologizes with sincerity anymore.  It’s forced words and a strange look when you finish.  We pick what we apologize for.  What will hurt our ego most?  Apologizing or not apologizing?  That’s the question and that’s what decides it.  We also apologize for our opinions alot, because nowadays, your opinions can endanger your life, your relationships, even your job.

I’ve moved around a lot.  I went to three different schools in less than two years, and then I got into high school, so that’s four schools in a year and a half.  I have been in the same school for two years and it’s pretty amazing, because I have friends, I have routines, and I love the house I live in.  There’s only one thing that hasn’t changed:

I still have to say goodbye.

Daniel told me that “People don’t see someone again because they choose to.  You are not forced to never see someone again.”

Partially true.  It also depends on lifestyle, but I truly believe once he’s gone, he’s gone and I’ll never speak to him again.  I may try to keep up with him, but when one person’s doing all the work, is it really worth trying to keep the relationship alive?





Talk About PMS

28 02 2008

I bought so much food today at lunch it is insane.  I am like two days away from my period and I’m going crazy.  It really explains the moodswings. 😀 Anyway, time to talk about my life…

I think my blog is boring.  I don’t do the cool picture thing everyone else does on like a weekly basis. When I need to represent a feeling I can’t put into words, I’ll put a picture up.  But other than that, it’s not happening.  Andrew calls this my “rant page” as if the blog is all one page.  (He knows nothing of blogs.)

Moving on.  Being in love isn’t as bad as it has been all year.  Still in love with the guy who is completely blind, according to my favorite hamster.  Whatever.  The year’s almost over, so it’ll probably be over then.  I pray that it won’t, but it will, because having confidence in the keeping in touch thing is really difficult.  I am trying to focus my doting attention upon my new love, William, the character of my book that is currently in the stage of rewrite!

Rewriting isn’t as hard as writing the book was in the first place, so that’s all good.  It’s easier to write it like it’s in the twenty-first century instead of in the nineteenth.  It’s a two hundred year difference.  My characters are a little more believable, because I have no idea how they talked back then, so there are no contractions throughout the novel.  (I mean the don’t, can’t shouldn’t, not the birth ones.)  Plus, I can make William look exactly how I want him:  tattoos and piercings, wherever I want them.  (Hah! You’re sick if you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking.)

So, I was sitting on my bed the other day, minding my own business, reading my Batman comic book when I realized, life really isn’t as difficult as people make it out to be.  I mean, it’s difficult in varying levels for varying people, but my life is fairly simple.  If I did my homework every so often, I could probably be class valedictorian.  Our class valedictorian has a teacher for  a parent, so they expect alot more.  My parents just expect me to the best I can.  I have a 4.2 doing absolutely nothing.  If I tried, it’d be a lot higher than that, but I have aspirations outside of doing homework seven hours a day. 

My weekend will be spent doing a research paper, and what little homework I want to do, while reading Michael Crichton’s Timeline, which is an amazing book.  I don’t really like male writers.  I have three exceptions:  Michael Crichton, John Grisham, and The Struggling Writer.

I hope all of you have a fabulous weekend, if I don’t post again until Monday, which is really probable, because I’ll be rewriting!  Here’s a picture for you to think about:

 18441728_w434_h_q80.jpg

Aren’t they beautiful?

 





I Said I Love You, Isn’t That Enough?

27 02 2008

Just because someone tells you that they love you DOES NOT mean that they do.  Unless they are one of those “Love thy neighbor” types, then maybe, but generally, when an athiest tells you that they love you, they are not doing it because religion dictates it.

I know a few people that expect me to believe everything that comes out of their mouth, including the once sacred phrase of, “I love you.”  I tried explaining to people that I am not naive when it comes to guys, because honestly, I know a guy who will do absolutely anything to get into a girl’s pants.  It’s actually kind of painful to watch–and experience–, but whatever.  When I see the things going on around me, I become wary of the world.

(Like, this weekend, I was watching Law & Order: SVU for a few hours and it kind of made me scared to go outside.)

I don’t believe everything people tell me.  Unless you are a really good friend, teacher, or Rachel Ramxpage, who doesn’t count as a friend anymore–she’s moved to the long lost sister role.  I think people expect “I love you” to make a difference in how you feel about them.  It may make you reciprocate the phrase, if only in words, not feeling.

Which is why I don’t want to get married.  With all the problems you have nowadays.  I would be the girl who believes a guy after years of not trusting guys.  Then, I would get married.  A couple years later, I’d probably pop out a couple of kids and then BAM!  He’s filing for divorce with his pretty new arm piece smiling dumbly at the court hearings. 

Maybe that’s what I fear. Not so much having children, but the part where I get ditched because I’m getting old.  It actually haunts me, that thought.  I had a conversation with one of my friends and he was appalled at me when I asked, “What if no one wants to marry me?”  He then proceeded to tell me that I was too wonderful to go on unmarried for the rest of my life.

Being in love sucks, by the way, I just wanted all of you to know that.  But, the thing is, it only seems to suck for me.  I usually have complicated relationships, and then I just hate the entire male race.

Like I do right now.

 





Running Away: Simple Solution for a Simple Mind

22 01 2008

This title applies to me in so many ways it is so not funny.  I have a tendency not to address issues unless it becomes so bad that I can barely stand it.  I cannot stand it anymore.

I have this issue with relationships.  Not just the boy-girl crap, but even with my friends, and I do not think that it’s obvious to anyone but me.  I have an even bigger issue of telling people, “No.  Please leave me alone, because I do not think you are a positive effect on my mentality towards life.”  Okay, you probably get punched for saying that, but still, that’s how I think of it.  I know that it sounds really dorky, or lame, but, I so don’t care at the moment.

I want to end a relationship of mine because everyone around me is like, you would be so much happier.  I thought that it meant that they would not love me anymore if I didn’t end it.  I just figured out that they just want me to be happy–all of the time.  They don’t want my emotions to hinge on one person.

I took a census among my friends about how one person affected me and the results were sickening.  I feel so weak, because I allow someone to affect my moods with words–or lack thereof–and that is NOT how it should be.

This is for all of my friends whom I love and would be no one without.