It’s All In The Name

7 04 2008

Up until recently, I had never really thought about how a name changes or affects the person it is attached to.  Kaelie means “pure” and my family understands how well that name “fits” me.  I’m in no way perfect, pure, or anything like that, but certain aspects of my actions, thoughts, and behavior convey that last little bit of puerness that will be lost in the transition to adulthood.

I’ve posted about names before.  Now that I’m getting older, I think about responsibilities coming towards me like a fast ball.  Sometimes I even go into a panic.  Fear accompanies every single one of these thoughts.  Now that marriage is back on the radar, I have been thinking about the next 5 years, the next 10 years, the next 20.  Am I going to spend that time bitter and alone, or will I find someone willing to marry me?  (Trust me, I wouldn’t even marry me.)  Will I find someone I’m willing to have children for?  That is THE ultimate commitment, to me, anyway; not marriage.  Having someone’s child… that binds ou to them through the child that is half of each of you.

Back to names (I swear, these tangents are killing me.)  I think naming a child is up there in one of the most difficult decisions ever.  (Number one is deciding to write or read, for I adore them both; naming a child comes after that.)  Look at how hard it is to name  my characters.  I mean, you have nine months to name a baby.  With a story, it’s not such a pressing issue.   But, with a story, I have to be absolutely sure.  Because once I use a name, it sticks.  If I go back and change it, it confuses the hell out of me.  With a kid, if you decide when they’re six, you don’t like their name, too BAD.  You can’t change it without affecting them.

While children aren’t exactly on the radar (they’re on there. Ugh.)  I have decided between a few names.  Emma Lynn for my daughter and Elijah Lucas for my son.  That, however, is assuming I’m having children and only having a son and a daughter.  But, you never know, do you?

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I Said I Love You, Isn’t That Enough?

27 02 2008

Just because someone tells you that they love you DOES NOT mean that they do.  Unless they are one of those “Love thy neighbor” types, then maybe, but generally, when an athiest tells you that they love you, they are not doing it because religion dictates it.

I know a few people that expect me to believe everything that comes out of their mouth, including the once sacred phrase of, “I love you.”  I tried explaining to people that I am not naive when it comes to guys, because honestly, I know a guy who will do absolutely anything to get into a girl’s pants.  It’s actually kind of painful to watch–and experience–, but whatever.  When I see the things going on around me, I become wary of the world.

(Like, this weekend, I was watching Law & Order: SVU for a few hours and it kind of made me scared to go outside.)

I don’t believe everything people tell me.  Unless you are a really good friend, teacher, or Rachel Ramxpage, who doesn’t count as a friend anymore–she’s moved to the long lost sister role.  I think people expect “I love you” to make a difference in how you feel about them.  It may make you reciprocate the phrase, if only in words, not feeling.

Which is why I don’t want to get married.  With all the problems you have nowadays.  I would be the girl who believes a guy after years of not trusting guys.  Then, I would get married.  A couple years later, I’d probably pop out a couple of kids and then BAM!  He’s filing for divorce with his pretty new arm piece smiling dumbly at the court hearings. 

Maybe that’s what I fear. Not so much having children, but the part where I get ditched because I’m getting old.  It actually haunts me, that thought.  I had a conversation with one of my friends and he was appalled at me when I asked, “What if no one wants to marry me?”  He then proceeded to tell me that I was too wonderful to go on unmarried for the rest of my life.

Being in love sucks, by the way, I just wanted all of you to know that.  But, the thing is, it only seems to suck for me.  I usually have complicated relationships, and then I just hate the entire male race.

Like I do right now.